I've been in a rut lately and in my attempt to overcome it I had to do some self discovery. I love stuff like that but I always find myself running out of time to do this. So here I go.
One of my biggest obstacles lately has been my gremlin saying "but that's not you" or "but you couldn't ever stick to that." And I do honestly believe sometimes that truly applies. Like I've never been able to do a cartwheel and quite frankly, i don't think I ever will! Haha, but the little things- like changing my lifestyle, becoming a runner, doing yoga, eating/cooking healthy, being spontaneous, being a book worm, being well educated, becoming a dancer... Those things I should be able to do.
On top of my gremlin nagging me, my acting classes have brought it to my attention that I'm pretty depressed. Not only is it genetic, its also because I dont like growing up. And Kelly is kicking my butt. I've spent so many years guarding my emotions and remaining composed that I can't share my vulnerability with an audience yet. I love Kelly for pushing me but most days I leave her class and just cry. I get so frustrated with myself and wish I could just feel things in front of people! It is so depressing that I am very numb in a public setting and I just can't be. After some time of this I was considering directing or vocal performance since my acting skills were discouraging me.. (thats how intense my frustration is) but then I remembered something and its all thanks to this wonderful fall recess.
When I was in elementary school three friends of mine would come over and we would hang out in my basement. We would do various activities like rollerblading, basketball, dancing, and even ab workouts! One day we discovered the hula hoop. Sharee was the best out of all of us- being a gymnist and such, Sheighle was second best, Nicole was okay but sports were more her thing, and i was the worst. I had never tried hula hooping before so of course I was the worse but it still bothered me... And without realizing it, I became better because i continued to hula hoop all the time in my basement by myself. It became fun for me and I got really good. I don't remember if my friends and i ever hula hooped together again but i worked my butt off to get good! I literally taught myself how to hula hoop with the motivation focusing on me.
I realized today how people put these mental walls up about what is possible and what is not... But as a child- i didn't. I'm trying to return to that mentality of spending time with myself in my parents basement crafting whatever project I am on... Because i hate feeling limited, and grownup, too busy, too defined, and stupid expectations. I want to continue recreating myself every day and every night into the person that I am and who I want to be... Not what soceity expects me to be.
