I've been enjoying the last couple of days- hanging out with friends, working, and keeping busy, even though I am so exhausted. I don't NEED a distraction anymore. For a couple of days there, I wrote out activities that I would think about during the day that I WANTed to do by myself... because when I was eventually all alone, I panicked. I little surge of anxiety took over and my thoughts went super sour... alone... WHAT!?! but with this list of things (go for a run, paint my toe nails, clean my room, do laundry, read my book, jot down thoughts) I wouldn't freak. I love spending time by myself- it is only an issue when one becomes so accustomed to constantly being around someone else.
But I don't want that. Or need.
Lately I've been focusing on certain wants and needs for a lot of reasons but mainly because I've found there is a huge difference.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I am at work and a customer claims, "hey, so I need a family sized 5-meat stuffed and hawaiian..." Sounds legit right? Actually, not so much. Nobody really NEEDS pizza. If I don 't give the customer this pizza they won't die... They'd go to McDonalds if they desperately don't want to cook. However, the customer definitely WANTS pizza and that makes perfect sense. Sure, I'll happily give you what you want. Okay, so in real life, opportunity cost would tell me I can't refuse a customer a pizza just because they misuse their wants and needs- also being a poor college student and in need of a job-- but honestly, it drives me bonkers that people say need when they really mean want.
As a result, I've been sorting my wants and needs. I was relieved to discover how I don't need a thing right now... Or perhaps I am so lucky to have my best friend in town, the other to visit soon, my crazy friends to hang out every night, my parents who support any mess I wrap myself up in, my family at the theatre, and my reponsibilities to keep my head on straight... I'm not as lost or broken as I anticipated. I'm solid. No needs besides maybe I need to drink less haha...my dad said he doesn't judge me for self medicating. But soon, the drinking stage must pass. Hey, I'm not just mourning the failure of a relationship, I'm mourning my faith in relationships altogether. Which is .. Slightly depressing. My cynical side is coming out and I'm done fighting it. But the relationship itself is not something up for discussion here. It's how I'm adapting to this change of being on my own.
In one of my psych books, in fact the book this blog is titled after, it discussed how important it is to know the difference between your wants and needs. In a grocery store example, it's easy to see; one may need milk and one may want soda. Wants and needs are definite here. What I gathered from this specific section is how wanting something has a greater impact than needing. For instance, "I want you" is more powerful than "I need you." Besides the need one sounding a little bit on the desperate side... wanting someone or something in your life is more meaningful. Resonates so strongly to me. Because generally speaking- when you want something... you work for it. When you need something? You are dependent. And sometimes less self sufficient to work for it. An individual may need love, but when they choose to love... they want to love. The choice is theirs and their own. Wanting is the key here. But the twist? Anyone has the right to change their minds and also their wants. That is the beauty of life- nothing is set in stone and anything can change. Forget needing and loving. I'd rather have someone tell me they want me in their life. That has more substance.
Anyway, my wants have never been clearer. They have evolved a lot over the last couple of weeks but as of here and now- here is how I stand. It actually came to me in a dream. Haha, crazy I know. But after a rough night out with some work friends, I dreamt that one of my close friends gave me toothpaste. I don't even remember Sam being in my dream up until that moment but I woke up the next day so euphoric because he gave me toothpaste. Back to the real world, I really was out of toothpaste and the last couple of days I had been squeezing bullshit crustys out of two empty tubes. The next day, I shared this dream with Sam and we laughed at its awesomeness although I didn't explain the subtexts of him giving me toothpaste... I hadn't determined it yet... but I found the act of giving me toothpaste meant someone thought about me for at least two seconds and did something for me. And that was all I needed. I didn't ask him to give me toothpaste. I didn't even tell him I was out. In my dreams, he apparently just observed my lack of toothpaste and acted on it. No strings attached. No labels. No alternative motives. He just gave me toothpaste. That made me happy.
Maybe it is the little things like that. Having a good laugh, friends texting me to see what I'm doing, friends peer pressuring me to sing vocals for their beats, picking me up when I am too drunk to drive home, and even someone taking out the trash for me as I struggle to drag it to the door. Seriously, the trash one reached the level of toothpaste status- ! Haha, its stupid how much those things make me happy. But that's seriously all I want right now.
Things have been striking me in bits and pieces. But it all started with the toothpaste. Simple as it may seem, the dream reassured me that I don't want a relationship any time soon. Or need one. I don't want to go out on dates, go to a restaurant, and be spoiled. I don't want or need that. I want to be classy and important enough that someone one day will want to take me out to dinner or something cliche like that but as of right now, I do not want that. I can't fathom that. I don't need that. The toothpaste symbolizes how I just need to feel appreciated, or wanted, on a basic human interaction level and not anything romantic. Good chemistry is never a bad thing to have, but good conversation will ultimately come out on top.
After sharing this with my mom I woke up the next morning to a fresh tube of toothpaste on my bathroom counter that of course had sticky note on it telling me to have a good day. She definitely wants me in her life :)
