I love how it only takes one conversation with my dad to remind me of who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. One conversation. Because when we talk, we talk about almost everything and all is solved at the adjourning of our conversations.
Except for life that is. Because life just happens and there's not a lot of discussion of why everything falls a part a little here and there... I tend to focus on where do we go from here and try to let go of how things came to be how they are. How do we deal? What can be learned from this?
One of the nights before Christmas, my mom, my dad and I completely killed a double sized champagne bottle as we solved all the world's problems together. I prompted the heated debate (of course) by bringing up Phil Robertson-whatever-his-name-is drama. I argued that this wasn't a battle of beliefs but simply running a business. (In my own personal opinion, I have nothing pleasant to say about that man so respectfully, I won't say it). And even my mom chimed in asking, "Doesn't he also think it's wrong for a man to shave his facial hair... didn't he get that from the Bible too?" which made me love her more, if that was even possible. I always like to give myself credit for keeping my parents up-to-date and "hip" with the latest controversial issues. One time in particular when my dad was pressing me to fill out papers for my savings I have in stocks, he encouraged me to put my older brother as my beneficiary. Confused with my scrunched up nose and raised eyebrow he reassured me, "Just for now. And then when you get married you can change it to your husband." As I finished crossing the two "t"s to my brother's name, without looking up I muttered, "Or my wife." With an exhausted sigh at my difficulty he responded, "Yes, or your wife."
As we killed our bottle of champagne with ease and finished up dinner I continued to press the envelope just a tad more. My favorite class from the semester that had just ended was social psychology. It was due to this class that I learned a lot of information about how individuals act in society, how we interact with each other, and how weird we humans really are... essentially. Previous to this dinner with my parents, I had just read a post my friend shared on Facebook about all the accomplishments the gay community made in the year 2013. I was trying to point out how it was touching for me, a straight heterosexual, to look at all these accomplishments and see how far we've come as a nation to be accepting of all individuals. One specific point on this list of accomplishments or "brave" changes so to speak, was how this young adult male video recorded him coming out to his mother. I didn't go into much detail about this video to my parents, but the raw vulnerable emotion was moving; how scared he was to disappoint his mother, afraid to be who he was, but knowing this is who he is and wanting to confide in her so badly. It is moments like these that make me believe and stand up for the gay community when others proclaim that their lifestyle is a "choice". As this young man collapses in his mothers arms, as if he was once again a toddler of two, it can only bring the empathetic heart to bend a little with compassion. Nobody chooses to endure this struggle of acceptance and travel the road with all the potholes and rocks. They have no choice. Everyone is intrinsically who they are and some are just forced to be on the road less traveled.
My dad listens quizzically and my mom nods her head to agree. I sense my ranting has gone on long enough and as I finally, metaphorically speaking, step off my soap box, my dad steps up on his.
"Have you ever seen the movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"
I shook my head and my dad began to tell me the plot synopsis as his mind seemed to wander to a far of place to remember where he was, who he was, and what he was doing in life when he saw this movie.
If you haven't seen this movie, you need to. This film came out in the 1960's and was produced and directed by Stanley Kramer who specifically focused on controversial issues. Don't Google the movie review because I sadly did this and the ones I read didn't do it any justice, and quite frankly, the critique itself is just someone's pretentious cinematic opinion. No matter how professional, it is still just someone else's opinion. This film is a classic for its time period! In short, I don't think I can even give a decent summary without ruining the wonderful movie-going experience for you. You just gotta see it.
"You need to see the movie," he said as his eyes swelled with remembrance and understanding. "Because I think the struggle your generation is fighting, is similar to the struggle of interracial marriage during my time."
I know I am biased, but my dad is a brilliant guy.
I have my own apartment but because it was around the holidays I spend more time over at my parents house. After the new year mark had passed, I finally got around to renting the movie and I began watching it at their house as I sorted through some documents on my laptop. My parents returned from a stressful day at the hospital and joined me in the living room to watch the end of this movie. We were all fixated and silent as Spencer Tracy (who played Matt Drayton, the father) gave his famous monologue in the last few minutes of the film. I could hear my father sniffling; I imagined his eyes shiny and heavy in the dimmed lighting of the living room. Spencer Tracy's last monologue was spectacular as he unfolds his stream of consciousness of how resisting he is to his white daughter marrying a black man. But in the end he concludes,
"Anybody could make a case, a hell of a good case, against your getting married. The arguments are so obvious that nobody has to make them. But you're two wonderful people who happened to fall in love and happened to have a pigmentation problem, and I think that now, no matter what kind of a case some bastard could make against your getting married, there would be only one thing worse, and that would be if - knowing what you two are and knowing what you two have and knowing what you two feel- you didn't get married."
Like I said, my dad is brilliant.
I also need to rant about the movie a little bit here.. There is so much more behind the scenes that makes this film more sentimental. Parallel to the plot of the movie, the actors who played the parents of the bride-to-be were in love and involved a 20+ year affair. Due to other societal limitations and religious beliefs, they too were unable to wed. There are several interpretations of their love affair but in their time period, not only was divorce more taboo than it is today, it seemed it was also more socially acceptable for men to have girlfriends or such affairs while they were married. Tracy wasn't going to divorce his wife for Katharine Hepburn for religious reasons and his strong obligation to his children. And his wife wasn't going to divorce him because she needed the money to take care of her children. So in the finale scene where Spencer Tracy is declaring his acceptance towards his daughter's interracial marriage and that love is love, the tears in Hepburn's eyes are painful. It's hard to not believe he was thinking of his love with her, stifled by society's view of marriage. To make matters even more emotional, literally days after filming this monumental scene and completing the film and its entirety, Spencer Tracy passed away. He had been sick at the time and the production team didn't know if he was even going to be able to finish the film. And he barely did.
By in by, it is not my place to judge Hepburn for staying with a man who would never commit to divorcing his wife and marrying her... because I know, I live in a completely different society, almost a completely different world than she did. Regardless, their affair is one to remember.
It is also important to know that this film was not created with ease. The actors received death threats from the public and the director pressed through because he knew this controversial issue had to be addressed.
As I sat on my parents couch, moved by not only the acting but the message this film delivered. My brilliant father was right; I couldn't help but connect this message with my generation's battle. Equality marriage. And perhaps as society and people continue to evolve, we will always face a marriage struggle and marriage inequalities and each generation will have their different battle. I just can't wait for the day when the generation following mine will be able to look at gay marriage and be flabbergasted at how big of a "deal" it is, just how I am amazed at interracial marriage being struggle for its time. I can't wait for the time when these struggles will be in our past.
There are many famous quotes from this movie and even some of the greatest quotes I couldn't find on the internet. (You must see the movie.) However, of the quotes I could find, I discovered what I thought I would: The quotes are timeless, or universal per say. Switch out maybe one word and it is the same battle generation to generation.
Joanna Drayton: It never occurred to me that I would fall in love with a Negro, but I have, and nothing's going to change that.
You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the deadweight of you be off our backs! You understand? You've got to get off my back!
Change is ever constant. And naturally, some fear change. I know I do! And we are all allowed to react to the world and adapt accordingly. There isn't a manual or set of rules that help us understand life and live it easier. We can't expect the rest of the world to be as quick to accept change as the other half of the world has. And some never will... and really that is okay. And similarly, that too is not a choice, it is too how people are. I just know that I hope I will always strive to be green, adapt, and be understanding of the issues that matter most to people. Because we all need people in our lives and we are all on our own little pursuit of happiness. And it is not my place to judge other's happiness. And as for the rest of the world who are very resistant to change, my one recommendation comes from what one of my professors said to us on the first day of class after encouraging us to read the Wall Street Journal out of habit.
"My opinion is that you should have an opinion. And because you get just as many votes as I do, I want to you be well-informed on what you are voting for."
We don't choose our journeys. They simply happen. Because life happens. And in the end, I can't help but vote in favor of people; to help them on their journey to be happy, to help them pave their road because they are forced to take the one less traveled. And I know this isn't an issue my dad and I can solve in one conversation over dinner, but at least I know where I stand and what my opinion is on the matter.
As we move forward in 2014, and all the years to come, I am excited to see where we all go from here and all the struggles and battles we can overcome as a society; as a community.
"The journey may seem endless, and I know the road is rough. But on the other side of fear is love."
-Anne Murray
Here- Read some more:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marina-gomberg/8-reasons-not-to-fear-gay-marriage-utah_b_4549284.html
