"Quiet people have the loudest minds" -Stephen Hawking

It is always so strange to come full circle. To acknowledge who I am, the person I mean to be, the person I choose to become, and reflect to see where I was. The ability to change is probably one of the most liberating aspects of life and yet, one of the most frightening. It is indeed scary to accept change, the good and the ugly, and scary to see what you've giving up in place for what you hope to gain. 

May the bridges I burn, light my way.

My new years resolution for 2014 that keeps evolving to keep up with me, was to focus on standing up for myself. A very simple, almost cliche, mantra to hold on to but yet very challenging for me. I am so good at not putting myself first that it is strikingly evident in almost every aspect of my life and history continues to repeat itself. How I have survived this far is unbelievable but I give credit to my judgement for those I do put first, also return the sentiment and put me first. And as history has taught me, as soon as this isn't the case, I grow up a little. Realize the shadows on the wall of my cave are not reality...  

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter to me why or how things turned out the way they did. What matters most is to exploit the lessons I've learned and for history to stop repeating itself. Hence, putting myself first.

I understand being a team player to a fault will always be my weakness because I like identifying problems and finding a solution. I will always find the good in utilitarianism because within this sphere I find myself a purpose, I feel wanted, and I can develop goals based off of a common goal. Until the feeling of being wanted, feels like I'm being used. Or unappreciated. Or taken for granted. Suddenly, my outlook changes and I'm walking out of the cave.

‘Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

I've always been loyal to anything I believe in and I always place my faith easily in the hands of someone with experience and for whom I trust. It is such a delicate relationship, the teacher and the student- and every relationship, really. And many times I forget that not everyone is as selfless as I am. Just because I strongly uphold the silver rule does not mean I am protected from others and their ulterior motives. It is only then when reality hits and I begin to question my faith in something that I begin to realize what's at stake. 

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
In the end, I just hate being right about my gut instincts. I know they are there for a reason and even though I don't completely discard them, I still face palm it when crap hits the fan... there were signs for days that I chose to ignore because I kept my faith. When you completely boil it all down, I'm done wasting time on analyzing motives, intentions, tedious conversations, the mistakenly harsh words, and what was left unsaid. I don't want excuses or reasons for feeling the way I feel. Because in the end, it is still a lesson. The only devastating part is how it wasn't until my dreams seemed to be in the hands of something or someone else instead of in my own that I realized how bad I wanted it all. 

Nobody knows my dreams and desires better than myself. So how in the world can I expect them to become a reality if I don't take a hold of them now. I believe that sometimes on a way to a dream we get a little lost and find another, but sometimes there is that intrinsic feeling of knowing your call and wanting to chase after something. To be happy, I need to stop being a team player and just demand more from myself and everyone around me.

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

‘Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

We are who we are for several reasons. It is our experiences, our choices, and where we come from that shape us into individuals. We have very little control over how we were raised and our experiences will unfold how they may, but what we can control is our choices and how we react to these experiences. I guess I am relentlessly for taking a bad situation and turning it into a positive one. Maybe it also helps that my dad is pretty good at reflecting and perhaps enhancing my pessimistic emotions so I feel supported for thinking and feeling the way I do about something... but usually I come back around to see the good in something that has completely come undone. No matter how broken, the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.