money can't buy back the love that you had then

welp.
here's to living and learning.
I'm at a completely new state ... one I never expected.
Essentially, I'm fed up.

Ha, ok. Let me explain.

I'm back to believing relationships have a purpose, a meaning, a healthy state of existence...

... but I still can't fathom them. Hooray for being single!

And here's a new emotion.

I envy them.

Assuming their relationship/love/commitment is the real deal and not some coated bullshit... I envy them. They found it, good for them. Now lock it down and don't lose it. Don't ever lose it. You are one of the lucky ones. It's seriously based off luck, chance, fate, one in a billion circumstances... if you got it, don't necessarily rub it in my face but here's to you. Congrats.

As for me... my only goal is to literally live day to day.. weeding past bullshit. I hate being a girl for the sole fact that I am, for one, VERY gullible, for two, APPROACHABLE, and three.. easily swooned.

Yep. I said it. I am easily swooned. And now that I have realized this fact and have accepted it... it shall no longer be so. I have retreated so far back into myself that I feel a shell covering me becoming my exterior. I keep my distance, play it safe... for the good of myself. Putting myself first. Because I realize I cannot prevent myself from getting attached or getting hurt... it will happen as life plays itself out. Life is all about attachments, routines, loss, hurting, addictions... peaks and troughs... these are all unavoidable things. And I have decided, it's okay to hurt... even when things seem stupid and miniscule. If it hurts, it hurts. It doesn't make me weak. Pitiful. A stupid cliche girl... emotions are there for a reason. And if you try to dismiss these emotions ultimately, you aren't being true to yourself. Above all, be rational. But it something hurts- let it. Acknowledge it. And sit with it.

I am used to acting on my emotions... like the happy emotions... like hanging out, pursuing a potential thing... I dive in head first limbs flailing and all. If I really want something, I speak up or chase it. If I'm against something, you'll know. So when I am hurt... I don't know how to act... until just recently, I told myself it was okay to get a surge of pain when a disheartening thought crossed my mind. Good god, it's okay to hurt? You bet. And being okay with it... actually makes it easier.

Now back to what I was saying about me being gullible etc... I go into every situation now thinking a guy is bullshitting me. Thus far... it's been 78 percent accurate. I've always heard that guys will literally say anything or do anything... just to get a foot in the door... but I guess up until this point in time I've been blessed with gentlemen in my life. Haha, no offense boys. But girls, don't fall for the serendipity move. Don't think you're special. Don't think you're different from the rest. In fact, don't really believe all that he says... and just don't think. Because if you're thinking... you're probably just morphing the situation into something better than it is, or something completely that it's not. In the words of Wicked, "wishing only wounds the heart..." Just don't.


So I'm out on the bench for awhile. I'm ready to consume some sexy country music because at least those men know how to treat a lady. I love the club music to dance too... but it is not my lifestyle. Be yourself, friends. Be real. Don't sugar coat, don't play with a girl... if you know she'll fall for an act, don't do it if you aren't going to follow through. It's certainly refreshing when no games are played and people are just upfront.

And now that I'm done with that feminist rage...

I really am sooo happy.
I am hellishly busy working two jobs and sometimes rehearsals at night... and it's keeping me out of trouble. This party fiend is forced to retire for the time being... which is perfect to gear up for school.

I love my jobs. I have so much pride in P.Murphs and Bclub... and working at the Theatre with the kids. I love the people I work with... and I also thoroughly enjoy cooking at Bclub. It's a tough job but I will sure as hell make one man happy one day with my breakfast cooking skills... it's a transferrable skill for sure. And  really, huckleberry zuccks for days... I can make that bread in my sleep.
I find I am continually bonding more and more with the younger generations. I told Gulsima yesterday (age 10) that she was my best friend and then she hooked arms with me the rest of the rehearsal as we shared my M and M's. And I gave Miley and Kennedy (the neighbor girls,maybe age 8) both 26 cents when they brought me a bouquet of flowers... flowers they picked from their yards haha. And as I gave the McGreevys a ride home from rehearsal last night they definitely attempted to give me dating advice and I still proceeded to tell Owen he's my future husband. Yes, he is nine and I will wait for that kid. :) Their innocence and spazazz for life is enlightening... and I truly appreciate it for where I am right now with my life.

Lastly, I am excited to live on my own.
Ridicously.
I went to my new apartment today... just to walk around it. To open the door... walk in... visualize where I'm going to put all my things... and then I went home to house sit my parents place where I consumed delicious red wine while cooking portabello mushrooms and cous cous.
In case anyone was still worried about me... I will be fine.

Alas, I am still fed up with the dating relm.
Which is fine by me.
I reiterate.
I want to be enough.. for someone to take me out on a date... but I'm so down to earth, that I don't want to.
Catch 22?
Perhaps.
Did I mention, I love being one of the bros?
I'd rather have a chill night out with the guys then get all dolled up and go out to the club... I def will get all dolled up with some of my girlfriends... but I def love the nights we stay in.

Oh and by the way.

Samuel and I aren't really dating. 

just a friend, helping a friend out.

and it's complicated.

:)

"a dollar extra, sir"

After experiencing my first rush as a busser and then pulling a double and going straight to another shift at Papa Murphys... It hit me: everyone should be required to work in the food industry at one point or another. I find this to be so because common sense isn't all so... How do I say it... common. It really frustrated me when I got to PMurphs and a customer insisted that I put some red pepper shake in a carry out container like 'you guys normally do.' See we sell red peppers in a shake bottle... And if you order red peppers on your pizza it costs about a quarter or so extra... So this customer literally demanded I give him something for free. It was a rough situation when I was confused and asked if he wanted to buy a bottle and he got so offended. I'm sorry sir but everything has a price! And if hadn't spoken to me in a condescending manner than perhaps the whole situation would have not been a deal. But its the same when a customer watches us make a pizza and at the end of the makeline sees the pineapple and asks, "Oooh, can you add some of those on there too?" Now, usually we do it and whatever but really, the response should be, "Sure can, but that'd be an extra dollar." We would have hissy fits for days while the customer would have to go back to the end of the line, wait just to pay another dollar. Its called food costs people. The more customer exceptions, which is the better our customer service is, the higher our food costs will rise and we as employees will have our manager breathing down our necks weighing each pizza to check portions. (P.S. That has been threatened before and if that were to happen our speed of service would slow down immensely. Sooo think about that).

 Attitude. It always sucks when I greet you with a smile and you either take your bad day out on me or don't think I matter enough to respond with a "I'm good, how are you?" Besides customers saying they need a pizza when really they just want one, my latest pet peeve is when I ask a customer how they are and they just say good or fine thanks. I can vent about this because my dad does this to people ALL the time.... he's not a social one. But really. Let's all be humane and care about each other folks- its what we are hardwired to do. I'll be pleasant to you if you be pleasant to me. Isn't that called the Golden Rule or something?

And now bussing. I am now so aware of how to behave in a restaurant. Spills happen for sure but please don't just watch your child throw their cherrios on the floor. You may think you live here-- but you don't. You may let this happen at home, but this is a public place... let's act like we are in public! Haha. I know there are a lot of stereotypes for people who work in the food industry but really- screw that. These people are working their butts off to make sure you have a good experience, or a pizza to die for, so the least you can do is respect them and not treat them like scum or incompetent idiots. Find your goodwill people and check yourself at the door. 

 I love the food industry. It makes sense to me and I take pride in both places I work... there is something satisfactory when you come out of a huge rush on top and say, "did that really just happen?" both places I work are popular eats in their different genres and so rushes and regulars are a constant. And they are both team orientated! Never abandon someone on the makeline. Karma sucks and quite frankly if you help your buddy out they will help you later. Be considerate. Many have not and will not work in the food industry... But hopefully they can find the compassion to be appreciative for all we food handlers do for you.

check point.

Over the past couple of weeks I have gotten a lot of responses from people reading this. Caught me quite off guard and I found it kind of funny because for the longest time I was sure no one read this... But I run into people or they facebook message me... I'm glad someone else is getting something out of my writing. Pretty awesome.

 I'm at a really weird place recently and I've been going through so much. Tons to mull over, a lot to consider, and so many emotions from all different directions. I have a lot to write about but with working three jobs theres not a lot of time to sit down and crank it all out. However, I do want to record what I find currently makes me happy. Random things throughout the day will grab my attention and I've attempted to remember all of them. And this isn't just a one dimension emotion; this happiness literally fills my heart with warmness and makes me want to jump up and go hug someone or a tree or something. Corny? You bet! But you get the picture, right?

-Papa Murphy co- workers. I can get sick of pizzas but the friends I work with make my day every day. One just discovered how I hate compliments and then preceded to hit on me the rest of the day. The gang also likes to give me new names that they think are hilarious like The Merminator. And many more.

-The cats greeting me when I get home.. And them sleeping in with me until noon. Stupid I know but its tender.

-The boys having my back. These last couple of weeks have been a process and any time crap hits the fan they calm my worries and still hit me up the next day to do it all over again. Ha. They're also teaching me how to be single haha. They really are. I'm constantly taking notes. What I would do without them I have no clue.

-When I reached for chips and realized they were salt and vins, got excited, and then got super sentimental because I remembered that Chantie bought them for our bbq... And she hates those kind of chips. But she bought them for me because she knew I liked them. Yep, kind of a best friend.

-Driving and rocking out to the same song on repeat... All day. Also, a bonus with Chantel there.

-How my guy friends suggest that I give out their numbers instead of my own or will anti-wingman me at any given moment. Seriously, feeling the love.

-When the cops came to my house for a noise complaint... a few friends stayed outside on the porch with me while I talked to them. Me being good little old me, I was scared out of my mind! so knowing they had my back meant so much. 

 -My mom bringing me flowers when my kids had their performance.

 -My students. Watching them perform a scene that I blocked and sing a song I taught them. It's the best.

-Thinking my dad was finally fed up with me going out with friends every night... Feeling guilty... And then the next morning he wakes me up for work with my favorite drink from Starbucks. Who needs a man when you got a dad like mine?

 -Dancing. I just discovered Stubblefields and I'm pretty sure I'll be going there pretty regularly... No judging though because I don't need alcohol in my system to dance.

- A friend giving me his jacket when I'm cold. Or buying me a drink .

 -Somebody valuing my opinion.

-My neighbor girl surprising me with a flower the second I pull up to my parents house. She also showed me her cool bike skid marks she made that day. Shes maybe seven.

-Laying on the lawn watching a movie on the big screen.

-Working out. Never thought I'd ever say that one but now if I miss a day I feel out of sorts. By working out to music, I def escape to a world of my own for an hour or so.. And that puts me at such a better place.

-Working at the Breakfast Club. Only my second day and I feel at ease with my coworkers. Stacy and I have def already had some awesome conversations while catching up on the dishes... even though he says I am a traitor since I haven't seen Diehard... and Top Gun. He also said he was surprised I am single... haha which was flattering. 

-Random late night phone calls. Phil gets the win on this one since we def called me from Vegas... I wonder if he'll remember talking to me tomorrow. 

-People giving me crap. It's a sure sign that they are comfortable with me... and as long as it is all in good humor I can def dish it back.

-My dad giving me advice on guys. He thinks like an economist but it is totally valid advice. 

-Interesting people. Why surround yourself with the boring ones? I like substance in my life. 

Alright. All for now.

Just so everyone knows... I'm okay. I know I had a lot of people worried there for awhile... my life has completely changed in the matter of weeks and I'm just rolling with it. It's definitely been rough... and the only thing I've noticed about myself is I think I have developed this hard exterior shell. It takes more to get to me and more to soften me. I can still get hurt but my recovery rate is quicker. I care less about things I used to. I can't fathom how I used to think before. My walls are definitely built all around me- not wanting someone to climb over them or break them down... just waiting for an opportune moment to let someone in. I'm not wearing my heart on my sleeve. For once.

my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore. 

separate the ones who know you from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.

I thought love was black and white. It's either wrong or it was right. I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. She will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood. 

I can be alone yeah, I can watch a sunset on my own.

you turned your back on tomorrow. because you forgot yesterday. I gave you my love to borrow. but you just gave it away. You can't expect me to be fine. I don't expect you to care. All of our brides burned down. I wasted my nights, you turned out the lights, now I'm paralyzed still stuck in that time when we called it love but even the sun sets in paradise. if happy ever afters did exist- I'd still be holding you like this. 

I can watch a sunset on my own

Unknown to some and prominent to most, all of us have our own addictions. Not all bad, some horrible and obnoxious,  we all have at least a few. After some good retrospect, great conversations, and meeting new people, the addiction I was always hesitant to admit I have.. I think I do. 

As pathetic as it sounds, I am addicted to relationships. Oops, forgot to introduce myself. My name is Meredith and I am addicted to relationships. 

Not so bad, eh? Yah, there are worse things to be addicted to but nonetheless its still a nasty habit I need to break. 

Like trying to break any bad habit, it takes repetition and discipline... and sometimes just switching addictions. I've recently come to believe that life actually is a series of addictions and we just change them up when we feel guilty about them. Or perhaps, just want change. Switching addictions to satisfy another... to terminate another. 

So here I am breaking my nasty habit of being in relationships... how do you go about it? It shouldn't be that hard right? Just don't get into a relationship. Simple enough. Don't talk to the opposite sex. Easy.

Here's the catch. It's an addiction because even though I find myself pessimistic, not having any faith in the idea of relationships marriage etc, I am hardwired to still want it. I sincerely believe I've been hooked on relationships from the very first semi-serious one I was in... in the 8th grade. I discovered those fantastic feelings one feels when someone believes they love and desire you... and I want that. Referring back to an older post... I don't need that, but I sure want it. To take care of someone, feel as if you have purpose in someone's life, the chase, the excitement of getting to know someone, doing something for them that makes them happy... relationships are awesome. It is the exact same sensation of when you have Nutella for the first time... or something else horridly fattening and delicious. You now know what Nutella tastes like and even though you have a strict diet... you want it. You think about it... you must say no to the potential addiction.

And as a result, I've determined my dilemma. People change. Promises mean nothing. Humans change their minds just as frequently as their underwear and therefore nothing is forever. Everything is done in the present for the moment and nothing is guaranteed the next day. As beautiful as that is for life itself it gives me great disbelief in relationships. Everyone saves the right to change... and change changes everything. Therefore, I currently find relationships to be a delusion. We aren't intentionally lying to each other, we do believe we want to be together... make it work... make it last... but in the end, everything is temporary... time and life changes everything. 

So I can't fathom relationships. I guess I'm sick of getting burned because I am definitely someone who gives more than I take ... so I am easily swooned into thinking this guy is different from the last. This result has been a long time coming because I know two and a half years ago before my last relationship I did preface it as so: "No pressure or anything, but if we don't make this work, I'm done with relationships.." I kid you not, that was almost verbatim. Pretty sure he would vouch for me. And the guy before him too... because he and I broke up right before Valentine's Day and he sent me yellow flowers that day with a note that pretty much tried to tell me not to lose faith in relationships. 

Well, it has happened anyway. 

And life shall go on.

Quite frankly the song that encompasses exactly how I feel is 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow' sung by Carole King and Amy Winehouse has a sick rendition too. Check it out. 

So I am doing well with breaking this addiction. I'm still single. It can just be rough because I ultimately do want a relationship... but everyday I am being rational and telling my stupid girl emotions, 'No, you can't have it... it's bad news... I swear, you think you want it but right now... it's not all its cracked up to be...' What is also really helping me at this point in time is the underlying fact that I refuse to identify myself with someone else. There's always that moment when you find yourself seeing quirks and finding them beautiful, excepting them... toying with the idea of seeing a person meet someone in your life like a good family friend etc.... yep, I can't go there. I refuse to go there. Because that is relationshipy. If it happens and people meet, cool! But I'm not having the stress and the nervousness of introductions and moments of, "what do you think of him?" I refuse to identify which leaves me safe in the friend zone. Easy.

I want to regain my faith in relationships one day. And I don't know when or what will help aid this along but I'm pretty sure good ol' Time will be my main friend. I don't think it has to be another guy. I don't expect someone to come waltzing into my life and change everything. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure. And let's just face it... that's totally Disney... not real life. I'm just trying to not be a Sour Sal with every other couple I run into. I want to believe what they have is genuine, that they are happy, and they have found it. Because I do believe a love worth fighting for exists! And some days I believe more than others... but I hope I'm covering my pessimism well. Don't want to rain on someone else's love parade. 

For the record, I am enjoying being single. It's different but I most certainly like it. Putting myself first. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends and the guys... going dancing. I have a lot of time on my hands for just me- which is something I'm not used too. I usually spend it outside in the sun on a run or with a good book. It's all been good fun. And I love my friends. 

I just want toothpaste

I've been enjoying the last couple of days- hanging out with friends, working, and keeping busy, even though I am so exhausted. I don't NEED a distraction anymore. For a couple of days there, I wrote out activities that I would think about during the day that I WANTed to do by myself... because when I was eventually all alone, I panicked. I little surge of anxiety took over and my thoughts went super sour... alone... WHAT!?! but with this list of things (go for a run, paint my toe nails, clean my room, do laundry, read my book, jot down thoughts) I wouldn't freak. I love spending time by myself- it is only an issue when one becomes so accustomed to constantly being around someone else. 

 But I don't want that. Or need. 

 Lately I've been focusing on certain wants and needs for a lot of reasons but mainly because I've found there is a huge difference. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I am at work and a customer claims, "hey, so I need a family sized 5-meat stuffed and hawaiian..." Sounds legit right? Actually, not so much. Nobody really NEEDS pizza. If I don 't give the customer this pizza they won't die... They'd go to McDonalds if they desperately don't want to cook. However, the customer definitely WANTS pizza and that makes perfect sense. Sure, I'll happily give you what you want. Okay, so in real life, opportunity cost would tell me I can't refuse a customer a pizza just because they misuse their wants and needs- also being a poor college student and in need of a job-- but honestly, it drives me bonkers that people say need when they really mean want. 

As a result, I've been sorting my wants and needs. I was relieved to discover how I don't need a thing right now... Or perhaps I am so lucky to have my best friend in town, the other to visit soon, my crazy friends to hang out every night, my parents who support any mess I wrap myself up in, my family at the theatre, and my reponsibilities to keep my head on straight... I'm not as lost or broken as I anticipated. I'm solid. No needs besides maybe I need to drink less haha...my dad said he doesn't judge me for self medicating. But soon, the drinking stage must pass. Hey, I'm not just mourning the failure of a relationship, I'm mourning my faith in relationships altogether. Which is .. Slightly depressing. My cynical side is coming out and I'm done fighting it. But the relationship itself is not something up for discussion here. It's how I'm adapting to this change of being on my own. 

In one of my psych books, in fact the book this blog is titled after, it discussed how important it is to know the difference between your wants and needs. In a grocery store example, it's easy to see; one may need milk and one may want soda. Wants and needs are definite here. What I gathered from this specific section is how wanting something has a greater impact than needing. For instance, "I want you" is more powerful than "I need you." Besides the need one sounding a little bit on the desperate side... wanting someone or something in your life is more meaningful. Resonates so strongly to me. Because generally speaking- when you want something... you work for it. When you need something? You are dependent. And sometimes less self sufficient to work for it. An individual may need love, but when they choose to love... they want to love. The choice is theirs and their own. Wanting is the key here. But the twist? Anyone has the right to change their minds and also their wants. That is the beauty of life- nothing is set in stone and anything can change. Forget needing and loving. I'd rather have someone tell me they want me in their life. That has more substance. 

Anyway, my wants have never been clearer. They have evolved a lot over the last couple of weeks but as of here and now- here is how I stand. It actually came to me in a dream. Haha, crazy I know. But after a rough night out with some work friends, I dreamt that one of my close friends gave me toothpaste. I don't even remember Sam being in my dream up until that moment but I woke up the next day so euphoric because he gave me toothpaste. Back to the real world, I really was out of toothpaste and the last couple of days I had been squeezing bullshit crustys out of two empty tubes. The next day, I shared this dream with Sam and we laughed at its awesomeness although I didn't explain the subtexts of him giving me toothpaste... I hadn't determined it yet... but I found the act of giving me toothpaste meant someone thought about me for at least two seconds and did something for me. And that was all I needed. I didn't ask him to give me toothpaste. I didn't even tell him I was out. In my dreams, he apparently just observed my lack of toothpaste and acted on it. No strings attached. No labels. No alternative motives. He just gave me toothpaste. That made me happy. 

Maybe it is the little things like that. Having a good laugh, friends texting me to see what I'm doing, friends peer pressuring me to sing vocals for their beats, picking me up when I am too drunk to drive home, and even someone taking out the trash for me as I struggle to drag it to the door. Seriously, the trash one reached the level of toothpaste status- ! Haha, its stupid how much those things make me happy. But that's seriously all I want right now. 

Things have been striking me in bits and pieces. But it all started with the toothpaste. Simple as it may seem, the dream reassured me that I don't want a relationship any time soon. Or need one. I don't want to go out on dates, go to a restaurant, and be spoiled. I don't want or need that. I want to be classy and important enough that someone one day will want to take me out to dinner or something cliche like that but as of right now, I do not want that. I can't fathom that. I don't need that. The toothpaste symbolizes how I just need to feel appreciated, or wanted, on a basic human interaction level and not anything romantic. Good chemistry is never a bad thing to have, but good conversation will ultimately come out on top. 

After sharing this with my mom I woke up the next morning to a fresh tube of toothpaste on my bathroom counter that of course had sticky note on it telling me to have a good day. She definitely wants me in her life :) 

I really like baseball, so take me home baby!

Within seconds we analyze strangers. Sometimes it's not meant to be rude but it is organizing information into a stereotype, noting qualities, or relating them to someone you know, even though they could be entirely different in the end result-- but we do this just to keep the world we know stable. Familiar. We categorize. I admit, I do it knowingly and sometimes willingly but I thoroughly enjoy when an individual surprises me and breaks the mold. It is also within these few seconds we analyze our own personal compatibility. Some people use numbers, I believe either Fresh Prince (or the sons of the Huxtables) used the term 'cheeseburger', and others may not actually have a measurement for this analyzation. I've found that my measurement is literally nonsense words such as: eh, ooo, meh, ew, meep, etc. Assume which nonsense words are good, which ones are bad and you are probably right--and the ranking is quite ambiguous, yeah? I'd like to think the ambiguity comes from me not being entirely serious with this analyzation... I don't spend any more energy than these handful of seconds on any one stranger. When I catch myself doing this, I stop and I've only just acknowledged this.

But people do it nonstop. We judge and analyze strangers for many reasons and one of the most interesting ones is compatibility. Of first glance we check their potential for compatibility with ourselves and make cuts, or ranks, accordingly. Reiterating that I do this too, it seems so silly that this is the first way we go about cutting since there is so much more to a person, and a relationship, than first impressions.

REGARDLESS, I want to stop. I want to turn my mind off to this analyzing process because not only am I exhausted, I am not ready to see an individual in any illuminated light. I'm trying to get my mind and heart to focus on myself, for the first time in years, and I'm kind of losing that battle. However, I refuse to accept defeat.

Alas, here I have created the perfect man by compiling all these attributes I find redeeming. I don't know if this is the same with most men and women, but when I see something I like, I take notes. When I see something or experience something I don't like I tag that feeling and take notes. If love isn't about who you can tolerate the least then shouldn't you know what you are most compatible with and desire the most before you meet the person or see them in an infatuated light? As a result, most of the examples I will use are celebrities from movies which makes this exercise even more unrealistic and ridiculous! because someone wrote the scene. It never really happened. Obnoxious, I know but this way I can focus on this ideal man that I realize doesn't exist, (unlike Katherine Heigl in the Ugly Truth that believes he does exist) and therefore, forcing me to focus on myself. This compilation is to get me to the next stage-- I don't plan on being your crazy cat lady who smells like soup. Even though that result does scare the shit out of me, I know I have plenty of days and years before me of dating. 

Frank Sinatra- Yes, we must start with a God. His voice. His class. His charm. If he was still alive I'd probably be a stage five. Sometimes I swear I was born in the wrong time period. 

Mark Darcy- There is something sexy about a guy who is willing to throw a punch for a woman you are fond of and not even necessarily with. In the Bridget Jones Diary, Darcy happens to stick up for Bridget on a handful of occasions when she gets burned by other jerks. 

Eric- From Julie&Julie, this guy is not only heart-warming, I find him attractive with how supportive he is of Julie and her cooking blog. Julie is going crazy, crying on the floor with spilt food, spending money on so much food, and here is Eric, supporting her cooking blog and encouraging her to finish it even though it puts there relationship at risk. His support is based on his genuine interest in her new hobby and his strong want to see Julie happy. 

Christain- Not only does he too have a fantastic voice, his passion towards the woman he loves is unbearable. Holy crap. 

Gerald Butler- Obviously, from P.S. I Love You- sweetheart from the start and clenched my heart strings the rest of the time. A man who loves his woman and goes the extra mile ensure she is happy and learns to live without him. 

Hulk- Ok, so there kinda is something sexy about a little rage now and then... but this actor gets me every times. He's sexy and kind of reminds me of a huge teddy bear.

Brad- Besides his good looks, he is truly a talented actor, something I have learned to respect this last semester. I don't think I have seen him play the same character twice. 

. 

Tim McGraw- In the Blindside, not only is Tim smoking he also is attractive for not letting his wife walk all over him and at the same time he supports her. She is pretty determined, strong-willed and stubborn... and instead of hating those qualities that can be annoying in a woman, he accepts them but still stands up for what he thinks. 

George- Like Brad, besides his acting and his attractive features, I don't have any specific character from a movie to cling too. But George must be mentioned because in some ways-- he reminds me of my dad. And I wouldn't mind finding a guy like my dad. 

Jake- I really liked his character in this movie. Great personality and sense of humor, and ultimately, he's a player who accidently falls in love. He meets a girl that matches his smartass, challenges his big moves, and he doesn't know what to do. 

Maverick (James Garner)- Classy ladies man. Clever to solve the murder, smooth to get the lady, and skilled enough to kick ass at poker. He's a bamf. 

Dean Winchester- I am obviously incredibly biased on this one because I am a big fan of his Supernatural show... but what I find redeeming about Dean is his hard shell exterior and his softness underneath. He acts like he gives no fucks but every now and then he's definitely be real, be vulnerable, and say what he's really feeling. His swag is also sexy. Mmmmm !

Jude- I always have this secret desire to be sang about. Not necessarily to nor a guy sing himself... but have a song. In Across the Universe, the song "something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover, something in the way she woos me, don't want to leave her now.. somewhere in her smile she knows that I don't need no other lover..." Yah, enough said really. It's the idea that a song can trigger a thought. I like that. 

Robert Downey Jr.- He's a badass. And that's attractive. 

Ryan Gosling- First of all, it's Ryan Gosling. Second of all, I am not going to comment on The Notebook (ironic right?) because I actually cannot stand that movie. As hopeless as a romantic I have previously been, I've never been into much of the hardcore chick flicks. But in Crazy Stupid Love- Ryan is a boss, has his crap together, knows his moves, is honest about them, and at the same time isn't too good to fall in love if it happens. 

There you have it. Just to regurgitate, this is in hopes of turning off my mind and giving me a distraction. I look forward to the day when someone breaks this mold I just created. 

Haha.

Quick Fix

I blame our American culture for creating this illusion of a quick fix. There isn't one. The quick is cheap, fattening, or plain false. Find your reassurance in that if you can. If it's quick, its temporary... or you are just switching addictions.

Apply this to anything. Cooking meals, losing weight, breakups, deaths, disappoints in life, disgruntles with those who were close and now aren't, money; You either work hard for it, spend good time on it, put all your effort into it, or the results in the end bite your ass or just aren't satisfying.

Not only is the quick fix unrealistic for long term, it's usually not a fix. It is a distraction, a temporary lead in a different direction, a moment when your life graph (in economics terms) begins to expand ... but you fail to reach a peak. A quick fix can be dressed up in the best attire, last as long as it may, but in the end... it is still not worth it.

So why bother?

I'm on this subject for multiple reasons. Time never seems to cooperate. When we are enjoying ourselves it speeds up and when we are in pain waiting for a class to pass, time takes its sweet ass time ticking away. Time, even though aids us in the long run, pressures us to believing we need something quick. To take the pain away, get rid of the hunger, pay the bills, motivate one to work out more. Though a bastard time may be... to fully fix and be fixed, we're forced to trust time. With time, and effort, dedication, and belief- we rise above this illusion.

One won't change with a quick fix.

Patience. What a virtue. One I wish I had.

One light shines in the dark...

Ah, the dreaded empty house. It's interesting how we all deal with loneliness, some are just better at hiding it or perhaps they just welcome Loneliness in, ask him to sit down, and offer him a beer for the night. I sincerely believe everyone dances with Loneliness in some form or another, whether they acknowledge it.

This empty house that I have been looking forward to having all by myself has quickly become a curse. Although it is only my third night, I just get up, go to work, and come home. I dread coming home already. Though this is not a recent development, it just sucks coming home to not one single light on in the house including the outside porch light. Even last night when friends were over and checking out the place, I said I'm here by myself for the next couple of weeks... one caught me off guard and asked, "Is it lonely to be here by yourself?" Him being three years above me in high school and not having much of a relationship to ignite a personal conversation... I hesitated and admitted that it was only my second official night... and shrugged with a "yeah, pretty much." Friends slept over that night.  

But still lonely. As I literally sit here typing this I realize I am much calmer being lonely on my own then surrounding myself with a crowd of people. This house may be empty, and I may dread coming home, but when I finally get here, settle in, decide what I'm doing for the night and comfy up... I am okay. And well, okay is just fine for now. 

I've dealt with enough emotions thus far to understand that no matter what some things will hurt, some things will suck, but there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to sit in it. Feel whatever you must and by embracing it, everything can possibly be simpler. Not easier, sorry bout it... just simpler. Same concept of Loneliness knocking at your door. Might as well let him in and sit with him because eventually he may break through a window and scare the shit out of you. Not only do you still lose in that situation, you also get to repair a window. 

Maybe some don't mind being lonely. I know I used to fear it. In the past, I have always been very independent about... well everything. I never utilized the girl buddy system to go to the bathroom nor did I need approval for clothing choices or boyfriends. I followed my gut. And I also spent a lot of time with just myself. Which is fine; it is not my fault I am hardwired that way... perhaps I can learn to be okay being lonely. This next year I am living by myself, also with my cat Louie, and this phase is really a test run for me. Will Loneliness drive me bonkers? Kick me out of my own place and into my parents? Will I be happy? 

As of now, I'm ready to redeem my living space as my sanctuary and truly believe I will love living alone. I hope I am not wrong in the end. 

Loneliness is literally everywhere. He's not always in the dark alleys or bumming on the streets late at night. Sometimes he's in the supermarket looking at the milk and thinking about how he can't possibly consumer a whole gallon by himself before the expiration date... and instead he buys the more expensive smaller milk. What prompted this is how I've noticed Loneliness is beginning to team up with my gremlin and alter my thoughts. I know I am deep down a horrible unforgivable cynic (thanks dad) but because of humanity and my drive to see the good in everyone and everything... I am only cynical when I feel beat, bruised, abused, and/or flat out exhausted. 

Hrm, let's say all the above? So instead of wresting with Loneliness, I think I'll just sit with him, offer him what's left of my champagne and do as I normally do. I'll try not to let him engulf my thoughts or dramatically change my life in any way, just let him be. For in the end, even in times of darkness that suck and times I can't wait to pass, I'm still supposed to be, living aren't I?

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

ch-ch-ch-changing!

It's funny how one small thing can change your life entirely. 

What prompted this realization is because the American Red Cross called me yesterday asking if I wanted to come donate blood in the Pocatello area. Of course now being in Moscow, I had to decline, because teleporting hasn't been discovered yet, and as a result I began to reflect on things such as this that have changed my life. 

For starters, I hate needles. And blood. And anything that involves the too. I can't touch my own wrists without getting the heeevy jeevys because I can feel ridges of stuff... I'm pretty sure if I wasn't already scared of scary movies, I couldn't like them because of the gore. Stabbing, slicing, arteries, blood, are all words that make my skin crawl. One time I accidently stabbed my finger cleaning out the blender and thank heavens one of my roommates was there because I almost passed out watching the blood spill from my finger. Yep, I'm a big pansy. I actually didn't think I was a big baby until I was in the hospital and the nurse drew blood from my arm, told me I was a trooper, and then shook the vile in front of my face... and I passed out. I don't know what in the world that nurse was thinking... but she probably scarred me, haha. 

As you could predict, giving blood was not ever a possibility for me. NEVER EVER would I willing let a nurse draw blood. 

Then, I became President of National Honor Society. This was my first big leadership role (after being VP of NHS) and one of the responsibilities I had was to run the American Red Cross blood drive that came to our high school. In a nutshell, I dominated that blood drive (because I'm super extensive and thorough! And had lots of awesome friends in NHS with me) and my advisors said it was the best blood drive thus far at our school. But ultimately, I felt guilty. 

How could I be so invested in a project and not participate myself? I felt like a faker and I knew I'd feel guilty if we didn't make our goal units too. Finally, at the end of the day two close friends finally peer pressured me to do it... and doing so changed me. I remember on the verge of tears, SO frightened as both Nick and Sarah stood by my chair coaching me through it. I remember to cheer me up they joked about they were going to go get our English teacher (who I had a ridiculous crush on at the time) to come talk to me and then when by chance the teacher showed up just to say hi, I actually started crying... oh, dear. It was happy tears if I remember correctly. For the record, I had a huge crush on him because he looked like Dean Winchester except more artsy and less give-them-hell attitude. 

Anyway, since then I sign up for blood drives whenever I can. One time I was visiting friends and my boyfriend in Idaho Falls and the neighborhood Lutheran church was holding a blood drive... and I just showed up. I haven't done too many but I keep an eye out and do it when I can. Did I mention I still hate needles and blood? I always prepare the nurse and say that I am really sensitive and I CANNOT watch them poke me etc... but it's definitely something I can do now. And thank goodness I got better about the needle thing then so when I had meningitis a month or so later, I was less panicky. 

This realization is all going back to how everything is all in your head. You can change who you are by either taking huge risks or by changing the small stuffy gradually with strong discipline. 

The lady who called me was able to check out the Moscow blood drives so I'm giving blood this Wednesday at the 1912 Center. I'm very nervous, that never gets easier, but just knowing I can do it and that someone somewhere will benefit from it makes the stressful process so very worth it. 

Check Point - Realization

I went swinging the other day and I realize now, I can't remember the last time I did this.  

It was liberating. 

I took a walk to the park, ended up swinging until dark, and then took a detour stroll home. It probably looked odd, an adult swinging all by myself on a park built for children, but I didn't really mind. People passed in their cars, on their bikes, on foot with their dogs and I was too distracted by my own thoughts to pay them any attention. 

This semester was hell for me. Transitions from music to business, music to acting, singing to studying, Annie to Secret Garden, three roommates to just two, voice workshop to performance workshop... I probably took on too much since my stress levels and emotional hysterics are at an all time high. I've had to miss class to be responsible: apartment search, take the cat to the vet, record music for work, and mice issues. And I've had to stay up late and exist on sleep deprivation so I can do all the human things like shower, do laundry and eat. I feel so guilty for taking minutes to myself to eat and to even write this blog! Or go to the gym. Or actually cook. I might be too giddy come summer for I believe I deserve it most. I cannot wait to read a book for fun and to paint. I have ideas, creative ones, and everything must be put on hold until summer. My goal for next fall is to not book myself so full that I feel as if I'm not living. Sometimes, school engulfs everything, and living, doing things for myself, are the first things that go out the window when time flies. I must continue to live.

But boy, have I grown. To think I am not having a nervous breakdown over grades because I won't be expecting all A's this semester. Big accomplishment. I also have made breakthroughs with my acting: being vulnerable with someone else, getting close to tears with my monologue, working on a British accent, and feeling emotions overwhelm me as a character. I am enjoying the craft of acting far more than I could have every imagined; I wish I would have discovered it sooner. Music was always my passion but the typical thought-process makeup of a vocalist is not how I function anymore. I value much more the approach of an actor's; open-understanding-we-are-all-in-this-together concept. I will stick with business but I will continue to seek out acting/theatre classes. And also dance; I enjoy ballet a lot and will continue to pursue those talents as well. 

As I was swinging, I came to my own life realization. Now thinking as an economist, I do believe life is just a succession of peaks and troughs. Originally, this thought would bug me because I like all things that are constant, things that are easy to control. But alas, life is not constant and it is uncontrollable. Almost all things in life occur in peaks and troughs. Relationships do as well. But peaks and troughs come and go, expansions and contractions commence, and we really can't fixate on any one things that caused the rises and falls in life. Just got to remember to live. Easier said than done, mind you, for it doesn't make the troughs hurt any less or the peaks any less desirable, but it's a comforting thought to reflect on. Also, there are such things as recessions but it is also comforting that the BLS doesn't acknowledge the existence of depressions! so one will always eventually return to a rising rate at one point or another. Sorry, nerd moment. 

Anyway, I currently find myself at a current peak, ready to fall. What began ALL of this stream of consciousness was me swinging. It is that moment, when you have finally pumped your legs to get the swing high in the air, your body in a constant rhythm, and your hands fastened tight around the chains. I find myself at that moment of suspension between each rise and fall. I've just risen to the top of the peak, and any day now, I shall begin to decline. Perhaps I am suspended due to my ignorance or the wonderful distraction of what was Secret Garden, but I can feel at any moment, no matter what, I am doomed to fall. And as a result, I'm trying to keep my mind, and heart, fixated on the swing rising back up to another peak, realizing that no matter how long it takes-- it will come. 

my happy jam

Invincible

For the first time since I've been retaining my dreams, I dreamt I was shot. I remember hearing in high school when peers had re-occurring dreams such as this and I couldn't fathom a dream, or nightmare, so dark. In my mind I classified them as really morbid individuals who found thrill in dreams such as those. But now, here I am...? I've never thought of myself as a goody-goody because I do have that pessimistic, cynical outlook at times but dying in a dream scared the crap out of me. I was walking down a path with my mom and a man in a dark trench coat who looked suspicious just up and pulled a gun on me for no reason. I stood in front of my mom in case he shot again... but my adrenaline was running but surprisingly accepting. I wasn't crying hysterically (which is perhaps unrealistic because neither was my mom and she definitely would have been haha) and I just kneeled over and died. 

And then yesterday I got news of a classmate dying from lung disease. Its crazy how fragile life is no matter how invincible we feel and act in our lives and in our dreams.

In honor of celebrating life, I posted my reenactment of my car crash wound... when I was lucky to have even survived. 

Choke

Be my locket.

Around my throat.

Weigh me down.

Watch me choke.

Cease my breath.

I look good in blue.

My body decays.

Gone with morning dew.

My hearts still pounds.

Within my chest.

But lost is love.

Once possessed.

Be my locket.

Watch love die.

Watch me drown.

I found good,

in cold goodbyes.

I'm hilarious... look at the gem I found!

hrm.

i guess i just get these overwhelming i miss boyfriend moments. what you suppose i shall do about them?

let's see.

i could write them all down.

flush them down the toilet.

throw them in the fire.

but since it's freakin hot out and theres no need for me to burn my family alive yet i guess i could heat them up in the microwave.

i could eat them. them meaning the moments not my family.

or put peanut butter on them and have ernie eat them and watch. meaning my family.

i could type them.

and then have the pleasure of deleting it. the moments i mean.

i could write them down on paper

and turn them into paper planes

but then genia will bitch about trees or something...

then again i could go carve them on a tree.

and laugh at genia's bitching.

i could talk to the kitty.

pet her and tell her the stories.

i could paint on the canvas

and then paint it black

but then i'd be emo

and i guess i don't really have that much black paint.

uh or a canvas.

i could uh sing.

but that would be uh gay

and i'm pretty sure you don't like recitatives.

hmm talk about awkward.

i could shout out my missing moments... but then again that's just as bad as eating right before you go to bed. Both to horrid things to the vocal chords. Go figure.

i could go smoke.

hah.

like you didn't see that one coming.

like i have any anyway.

i could go run and with each step think of each word so i will run the moments out of my head...

but who the fuck likes exercising?

well i mean i like the feeling i have afterward but not the actual process of quitting being a mouse potatoe and putting on shoes... ick.

too much work.

i could go make another shirt.

but i wouldn't have enough letters.

i could go write poetry.

but no inspiration. def motivation. everything sounds the same. why bother if it's all the same.

i guess i could go sleep.

hehhhhh.

turn them into dreams.

damnation.

screw this.

no no no

better yet screw you.

of course just kidding. anyway i hope this made you laugh more than it being bothersome. talk to you later.

Peace

Lying in the streets of rage and protest sunflowers begin to grow underneath our bodies, beneath my dress, between our feet and around our necks, interlocking our fingers as we March down the street of hope and death, walking to bring home those we love and wish to keep, reunite the broken families homes of the free, who were torn apart as we Heal the wounded and mourn the dead, too many words were left unsaid as tears fall like bombs on top of our heads we only want peace not the war to be won, why is America holding the gun? Suck up our pride and take the defeat, human agony of dead bodies lying at our feet as the ground crumbles and cracks, turning black engulfing the living and the lies, how young do you plan to die? Age fifty? Age twenty? How about age four? Why can’t our nation make love and not war?

This I Believe

This I Believe

            No one is given a magical how-to-guide on how to approach life, and as a result, growing up is challenging on more levels than one.

             I feel as though I spent too much of my childhood days waiting in anticipation of being older. Being two years younger than my brother, I couldn’t wait to be able to do everything he did. I remember sitting in his passenger seat watching him delightfully rev the engine of the white Honda as he sped us to school day after day with Tupac blaring from a new ridiculous subwoofer. The excitement sunk in when he leaned over, nudged me with his elbow and poked, “I’ll teach you how to drive this five-speed one day… when you’re old enough.” From that moment on, I was eagerly waiting on the future. Now in retrospect, this cherished memory makes me laugh because learning how to drive that white Honda was a dreadful experience. It was painful for both my brother and me; he worried about the condition of the car as I cried wanting the lesson to be over.  I always longed to be doing what my brother was and I always was impatient for my turn. I now wish I was a child again, preferably back in my Preschool class, doodling a family portrait but only using my two favorite colors, pink and yellow. I also miss running around at recess by the swings, holding Kyle Francis’ hand, not caring if he talks to me again tomorrow. 

            When I went off to college three years ago, I had a difficult time with the adjustment because my parents did a wonderful job spoiling me. Doing my own laundry was a wake-up call for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely functional on my own now and I enjoy my independence, I am just thankful that my parents let me be naïve for as long as I was. I find myself missing it frequently and envious of my roommate who must still think her dishes magically put themselves in our dishwasher. But something as simple as driving to a friend’s house can remind me of family car trips to my grandparents’; I instantly miss my dad singing along with Frank Sinatra as I rock out in the back seat to NSYNC. My mother was usually sound sleep beside me with her head uncomfortably rolling from one side to another, her red hair still in perfect curls, unaware to John Denver singing from her ear buds. Memories like this I cherish and leave me wishing my dad were still driving me to the places I need to go.

            The worst part of growing up is comprehending death. I acknowledge that death is a natural part of life, beyond any control and I understand its affects are unpreventable. However, I’m still struggling to accept when death takes a friend at such a young age and all are left questioning whether it was really his time to go. When I lost a childhood friend this last March, I couldn’t settle my frantic thoughts and challenging questions as to why. No one saw this tragedy coming and he was going places. He was the left handed pitcher on his baseball team at his college where he was earning his degree; was his purpose in life fulfilled at age 20? His memorial service changed me; a sour high school reunion as we all get together but only to reveal feel how strong his absence is amongst us.

            If there is anything growing up has taught me, it is that time does help.  Whenever, I find myself moping around about hand-washing my roommate’s dishes, dreading the long drive behind the wheel, or how still struggle with the stick shift, I think of my friend and his memory. Growing up without him may not be easy but it should never be taken for granted. I choose to live each day to honor those who were never given the chance to continue growing up because no matter how tough the days or memories may become, life is always worth celebrating.

please, believe me, I'm trying...

I had a very discouraging conversation two weeks back that left me questioning everything.

Desperation had me on my knees as I grieved like a baby.

I was a grown up in the conversation, thanking him for his honesty.. but I was pissed as hell and convinced that I wasn't good enough.

Forget intent, forget reversed psychology, forget encouragement... I was told that how I've been functioning my whole life may keep me from doing what I want to for a living.

I am guarded. Why I am so, is not really the concern.. it is getting rid of it that matters... at least for stage purposes. And it is not that I don't feel... It's just I do not naturally emote... I don't react. So experiencing and being in the moment is hard for me. I've been trained representation acting by chance..But more importantly, because I am new at this whole acting thing... I don't know how to get there. or where to go.

So of course I went to the CTCenter... which was by far NOT HELPFUL. If anything she brought to my attention that I've never taken an acting class before and so I may not used to be feeling so much like this. (because if I fail to emote emotion in the class, I leave class feeling the emotion therefore enduring painful memories the rest of the day). By God, that was a relief... because I was convinced I was depressed. But the whole reliving childhood moments and substituting situations for others was draining.

After a week of total desperation and gloom... I feel like I had a breakthrough. Many were telling me to go to my vulnerable state... tag that feeling and begin the piece there... and that it may be scary... but trust and say yes...

but it's not scary. I've just never been there... I didn't know how deep to go... where to go... how to express it in my body and in my face... so I need practice. I need practice being vulnerable in front of an audience ... and being comfortable.

It was just such a relief to discover that I'm not scared, or I'm so guarded that I can't let myself... but instead... I just need practice.

My desperation disappeared and motivated me.
But who knew that it takes someone telling you that you may not be good enough to realize how bad you want to do something for the rest of your life?

Improvements and growth is what I strive for.

Thanks for Hula Hoops

I've been in a rut lately and in my attempt to overcome it I had to do some self discovery. I love stuff like that but I always find myself running out of time to do this. So here I go.

One of my biggest obstacles lately has been my gremlin saying "but that's not you" or "but you couldn't ever stick to that." And I do honestly believe sometimes that truly applies. Like I've never been able to do a cartwheel and quite frankly, i don't think I ever will! Haha, but the little things- like changing my lifestyle, becoming a runner, doing yoga, eating/cooking healthy, being spontaneous, being a book worm, being well educated, becoming a dancer... Those things I should be able to do.

On top of my gremlin nagging me, my acting classes have brought it to my attention that I'm pretty depressed. Not only is it genetic, its also because I dont like growing up. And Kelly is kicking my butt. I've spent so many years guarding my emotions and remaining composed that I can't share my vulnerability with an audience yet. I love Kelly for pushing me but most days I leave her class and just cry. I get so frustrated with myself and wish I could just feel things in front of people! It is so depressing that I am very numb in a public setting and I just can't be. After some time of this I was considering directing or vocal performance since my acting skills were discouraging me.. (thats how intense my frustration is) but then I remembered something and its all thanks to this wonderful fall recess.

When I was in elementary school three friends of mine would come over and we would hang out in my basement. We would do various activities like rollerblading, basketball, dancing, and even ab workouts! One day we discovered the hula hoop. Sharee was the best out of all of us- being a gymnist and such, Sheighle was second best, Nicole was okay but sports were more her thing, and i was the worst. I had never tried hula hooping before so of course I was the worse but it still bothered me... And without realizing it, I became better because i continued to hula hoop all the time in my basement by myself. It became fun for me and I got really good. I don't remember if my friends and i ever hula hooped together again but i worked my butt off to get good! I literally taught myself how to hula hoop with the motivation focusing on me.

I realized today how people put these mental walls up about what is possible and what is not... But as a child- i didn't. I'm trying to return to that mentality of spending time with myself in my parents basement crafting whatever project I am on... Because i hate feeling limited, and grownup, too busy, too defined, and stupid expectations. I want to continue recreating myself every day and every night into the person that I am and who I want to be... Not what soceity expects me to be.