I am once revisited by an old familiar feeling. Even though a different circumstance has prompted it, I recognize it imediately.
The best metaphor is as follows:
Before digital cameras were widely spread, and i was finally old enough to be trusted with a camera all by myself, I would spend a good deal of time taking pictures of friends and my cats. Sometimes letting a friend take shots of me. If you know me well... These were thought out pictures and somewhat artistic. Once again, back in those days it was cheaper to wait almost a full week to develop a roll of film (unles you did it yourself of course).
From the moment i sealed the roll of film in its package and sliped it into the box to the moment i returned to the store... There is that time period where I was left to envision what is to come and reflect on the pictures i took and hopefully what the end product will be.
I dont know if other minds function like mine, but i tend to stretch my imagination and forget such flaws because of the intense excitement for the day when my masterpiece is revealed. Even though I have ants in pants to see the photos i love the time to anticipate, fantasize, and dream about these photos potential. And no matter if i hate the pictures or absolutely love them, the day i open my finished product that feeling that i enjoy so much dissipates.
The first time I ever felt this feeling was about a boy. I had a crush on him for a good three years before I ever made an advance. I knew him from theatre and he was from a different town and older. To make a long story short- we both confessed our crushes to one another but nothing happened. I remember the night when i knew things had fizzled out... I was sleeping on my best friends trampoline in a sleeping bag literally waiting for a shooting star to wish upon. THAT element of surprise was gone and i knew the end result.. We werent going to happen. Lucky for me, two months later he came out of the closet and weve been best friends even since. Even miles away (he now working for Tommy Hilfiger in New York, NY) I still consider him a close friend and miss him dearly now that ive returned to our childhood theatre troupe.
Anyway, to get us back on track... Ive welcomed this surprise/anticipation feeling again but by a different source.
I have callbacks this Sunday for Meet Mein St. Louis. Originally there was no way in hell I wanted to do it.. With school and work, i didnt want to try. (In fact, i thought they were last Sunday... And i just skipped! Lol). I even prepared a list to give my director: 1. School, 2. Work, 3. I need to take acting classes- i dot want to be a risk and limit my characters potential, 4. Im already teaching voice lessons for the theater, 5. Gas... The theater is in Pullman, i live in Moscow! 6. Lastly, but pretty important- i dont want to be that one reoccurring face in recent shows and since Im Daddy Warbucks secretary in the current show, people will recognize me.
Now, barely a week later and i've watched the movie three nights in a row and an additional time with commentary. Even worse, I have my heart set on a specific character when Im actually called back for two. I have even started to get territorial even though I know that the casting (if it doesnt please me) wont kill me! Im a big girl now and i can take rejection. Im just having the time of my life imagining what itd be like to be Esther Smith at 3151 Kenzington Avenue.
But it gets juicier.
Jason is called back for the boy next door. (aka Mr. John Truitt). Actually, he's called back for both boyfriends opposite the roles i am called back for. Which is super exciting and intensifying this feeling. Which drives me bonkers with anticipation.
The downfall is I think height is against Jason and I... And i seem to be taller than most of the Roses who are called back and Esther is younger than Rose. Just as well, the partner of the director keeps calling Jason the boy next door... Which places me respectfully as Rose. (if height matters). Even if Jason and I are opposite other actors I think it will be fun and defintely a growing experience.
Ironically, I think I'll have a hard time swallowing the news of someone else being Esther... Becuase her songs are to die for!!
And yes, it will be hard to watch Jason kissing someone else... But it will be hard because i really care about him. Which is another fulfilling emotion. I also have learned from experience to stay in the scene and not identify with the character as "my boyfriend" and jealousy doesnt seep in. However, Jason will not have an easy time with that situation.
But alas... I will indulge in this dream world of possibilities until the casting is posted. Regardless, life will go on... But until then I will imagine my ideal casting.
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