Egos

So Kelly Quinnett came to our Vandaleers rehearsal yesterday and I realized something.

I hate singers.
Their egos.
Their judgements.
Their smugness about everything.
The need to comment on everything.
Tell you how to improve something but then when they get up and sing... they can't take their own advice that they so willingly give.
And I know this is pretty ironic since I don't consider myself an actor... I'm still technically a vocalist.
But I refuse to conform to the norm of a singer.
I don't care that they're blunt. And I love how disciplined most are.
But fuck the divas.

Kelly Quinnett is my 305 Intermediate Acting professor.
She is the shit.
Essentially the exercise she did with the choir was one we do in our class.
The exercise she chose to do is the same one I described to Jason and he nearly crapped himself muttering, "I could never do that..." Well he had too. Haha, and he did.

The exercise focused on intimacy.. no not having sex... but being vulnerable with a perfect stranger... and embracing it. We all stand in a circle and open ourselves to one another.. and then everyone... and then the whole room. Then, Kelly goes around the circle and when she touches your back to walk instinctively across the circle to someone who will be your partner.

This is done without talking and once you choose your partner, or they choose you, you continue to make eye contact throughout the rest of the exercise and join hands. Kelly then instructs you to find a place on the floor and sit as close to your partner as you can. After a few moments or explaining the next step, Kelly designates who is the Giver and who is the Receiver.

So I was really nervous doing this in Vandaleers. Which surprised me because I've been doing this in class with Kelly for the past week or so... but here I was scared.

I realized the egos scared me. I don't have one and I never will. I refuse too. As we were standing in our circle opening our hearts to the room there were people who has these looks on their faces like "fff this!" or "what the heck?!" and my heart literally sank. For this exercise to work.. you must be in communion with your partner and trust one another. If my partner doesn't meet me halfway.. how can I dive into this exercise? What if they judge me and talk crap saying, "Gosh, Meredith was so awkward... did you see how IN TO it she was?"
However, something Kelly said got me to relax.

Beyond their egos is a human being underneath. A real loving sharing vulnerable human being who uses the stupid ego and diva-ness to protect themselves from getting hurt... from being too vulnerable.. from being rejected... their fear creates these defense mechanisms.

"We aren't hardwired to be assholes. We aren't! We are hardwired to be loving creatures. It is embedded in us, it is in our nature, to love and to want to be loved and to care for one another. Society created this bull-shit idea of how we are supposed to act and how to protect ourselves. Protect ourselves from other human beings? Who just want to be loved too? Society created this and you are all just planning the game."

When I go to Kelly's class, society cease to exist. We just all are human beings who are in touch with ourselves, our emotions, and our needs. Since I joined the class late.. I don't even know all of my classmates names but yet... I feel comfortable holding them, loving them, and watching them cry.

Did I mention Kelly is intense?

After Kelly spoke to me, I was able to be in communion with my partner. Kelly said blackout... lights up... and our play of comfort began. ..Which I was worried about because he seemed really hesitant about the exercise. However, by the end of the exercise he was crying on my shoulder so I'm assuming he felt our connection was as strong as I think it was. :)