please, believe me, I'm trying...

I had a very discouraging conversation two weeks back that left me questioning everything.

Desperation had me on my knees as I grieved like a baby.

I was a grown up in the conversation, thanking him for his honesty.. but I was pissed as hell and convinced that I wasn't good enough.

Forget intent, forget reversed psychology, forget encouragement... I was told that how I've been functioning my whole life may keep me from doing what I want to for a living.

I am guarded. Why I am so, is not really the concern.. it is getting rid of it that matters... at least for stage purposes. And it is not that I don't feel... It's just I do not naturally emote... I don't react. So experiencing and being in the moment is hard for me. I've been trained representation acting by chance..But more importantly, because I am new at this whole acting thing... I don't know how to get there. or where to go.

So of course I went to the CTCenter... which was by far NOT HELPFUL. If anything she brought to my attention that I've never taken an acting class before and so I may not used to be feeling so much like this. (because if I fail to emote emotion in the class, I leave class feeling the emotion therefore enduring painful memories the rest of the day). By God, that was a relief... because I was convinced I was depressed. But the whole reliving childhood moments and substituting situations for others was draining.

After a week of total desperation and gloom... I feel like I had a breakthrough. Many were telling me to go to my vulnerable state... tag that feeling and begin the piece there... and that it may be scary... but trust and say yes...

but it's not scary. I've just never been there... I didn't know how deep to go... where to go... how to express it in my body and in my face... so I need practice. I need practice being vulnerable in front of an audience ... and being comfortable.

It was just such a relief to discover that I'm not scared, or I'm so guarded that I can't let myself... but instead... I just need practice.

My desperation disappeared and motivated me.
But who knew that it takes someone telling you that you may not be good enough to realize how bad you want to do something for the rest of your life?

Improvements and growth is what I strive for.