An Unexamined Morality is Not Worth Living

Disclaimer: This was written for my ethics class and abortion was an assigned topic; I scored 98% and due to a curve, 102% was the final grade.
P.S. I took my title name from good old Socrates.

           

              In our country comprised of different religions, ethnicities, philosophies, and opinions the discussion of the morality of abortion is a topic of much controversy. Abortion, the intentional termination of a human pregnancy within the first 12 weeks of the pregnancy, is a passionate debate for most individuals as they attempt to define what is wrong and right for themselves and society as a whole (Paper Topic). By applying various approaches from medical ethics to one’s faith, the beliefs of abortion seem to be a never-ending clash. Another approach worth contemplating is an ethical one, applying the philosophies of Immanuel Kant and John Stuart Mill. By exercising Kant’s ‘is ought’ distinction and the act utilitarianism sacrifice for humanity, one can remove themselves from the exhausted debate and perhaps find a refreshed perspective on this sensitive subject. If morality is based on the good will of one’s inclinations, as Kant demonstrates in his philosophy, then a woman ought to find abortion morally right. And in Mill’s philosophy, where the morality of an actor is based on the consequences she produces, then a woman can conclude abortion to be an ethical choice as well. Both philosophies are two separate ideas that greatly contradict on how to distinguish one’s morality, by actor or by the action, but by examining the Kantian ethical theory and act utilitarianism I will show how together they engage with the issue of abortion.

            The Kantian ethical theory deals with deriving one’s knowledge from reason and how we intrinsically know what it means to be ‘good’. The basis of morality comes from our own goodwill which will be ‘good’ without qualifications (RN, Oct.24). Likewise, a woman intrinsically knows what she believes is ‘good’ and does not need to justify her choices. Just as a wife intrinsically knows not to cheat on her husband, a woman may also intrinsically know that having an abortion is not right. However, since every individual reasons differently and encompasses their own goodwill, a woman may intrinsically feel different about the topic of abortion, and likewise perhaps this is why some women cheat. Kant places a lot of focus on the morality of the actor allowing women the right to choose what they find moral and immoral, but at the same time making it harder to construct an unconditional set of commands to govern society with especially concerning the topic of abortion.

            Nevertheless, when a woman finds abortion to be ‘good’ and if she possesses good inclinations, then her act is good without qualifications. Good inclinations, in my own opinion, means she doesn’t see abortion as murder and her purpose is to be responsible before having a child she may not be ready for on more levels than one. Bad inclinations could involve not thinking the decision through carefully, using abortion as birth control, or perhaps my favorite, not wanting to get fat. In class, we discussed a scenario of house sitting for a neighbor. During this discussion, it was noted that each student in the classroom knew how to be a good neighbor, thanks to apriori, knowledge derived from reason (LN Oct. 30th). In this scenario, the good neighbor turned up the heat in the house the day before his neighbor’s return only to accidently burn the house down from an unknown electrical problem. Even though it was the ‘good neighbor’ who essentially burned down the house, because he was acting in accordance with his duty and goodwill, he ought to not be found at fault (RN Oct. 31st). Likewise, a woman, who is acting in accordance to her own duty, ought to not be found immoral by committing an act when her intentions are good. If her intention isn’t to terminate a potential human being but instead to avoid a situation she isn’t emotionally and financially equipped for, then one may find abortion a morally praiseworthy action.

            In act utilitarianism, the principle of utility defines an action as ‘good’ if it produces pleasure and ‘bad’ if it produces pain (RN, Oct. 30th). When discussing abortion, one may argue how the procedure itself produces pain, emotionally and physically, and also produces pleasure for the woman may live her life without the responsibility of that baby.  While both sides may be true, when a woman chooses abortion it must mean that the amount of her pleasure, or her happiness, surpasses her pain. Therefore, the morality of her action is good. In addition, one must also address the public utility: how does having or not having this child affect the society? The public is not negatively affected by her choice of having an abortion, but could be if she chose to keep the child. The mother may have to be on welfare, or depend on the friends and family for support or not provide the best childhood experience for her child.

            With that being stated, a woman having an abortion is an example of sacrificing oneself for the common good, which is a very prominent maxim in Mill’s philosophy. By enduring an abortion, she is minimizing the pain, burden, and stress she may be placing on society if she is truly not ready to care for a child. Another example of this could be splunking or exploring caves when the adventure suddenly becomes life threatening as water begins to fill the cave. If an individual gets stuck trying to squeeze through the only hole to freedom, it would only be expected to attach dynamite to said person and to sacrifice that person to save everyone else. Similarly, a woman is following this principle when a she chooses to have an abortion; she is producing more pleasure for the community around her therefore, her act is good (RN Oct 30th).  

            Another aspect of utilitarianism that is worth concentrating on is quality versus quantity. When a woman faces the decision of whether or not to abort a pregnancy, I would only hope that one of the key factors she considers is the quality of life she and her child would potentially have. Mill believes both quality and quantity must be considered when assessing the consequences of an action. If the woman decides to have the child, will her life have the same quality as it did previously? Furthermore, what will be the quality of the child’s life? Will her child receive the nourishment, attention, love and care it needs? And when concerning quantity, I must note how I completely understand how the gift of life in a child’s eyes is the greatest joy for a mother and that choosing abortion is denying oneself of that joy. However, I believe the constant struggle of day-to-day tasks are painful and can bleed into the lives of others developing into a never-ending cycle of lower quality. Will it become the social norm to not escape teenage pregnancy, with parents adopting their children’s children as their own? Within this cycle, there are a lot of messy emotional ties that lead me to believe the act of abortion is good because of the quantity and quality of pain that can be produced if one does choose life. And according to Mill, we should choose the greatest pleasure, not the greatest pain. Alas, only the woman who is facing this crossroads can determine which pleasure, or which pain, is superior to the rest.

            It is the case that abortion exists and many people struggle with the morality of its existence. What ‘ought’ be the case? After applying Kant’s and Mill’s theories to the issue of abortion, I would conclude that abortion ought to exist and should be accepted into a new set of norms. This would be Kant’s normative claim on “how one ought to aim” on the basis of morality I discussed earlier. If it is our duty to follow the categorical imperative, the moral law of how ‘one ought to act,’ and when we intrinsically know abortion is a good act with good intentions, then we should will abortion to be available to all who find themselves considering it. By willing this maxim, a rule or principle, to become actualized, it would then become a universal law; a law applied to all women across the nation (LN Oct. 23rd). This law would give women the right to have an abortion and still secure the rights of the women who choose not to. In addition, if we engage in Mill’s theory, we can further conclude that because the consequences produced by abortion maximizes the greatest amount of good for the public, abortion is moral as well.

            Most opinions of abortion can be easily distorted by our culture defining for us what is wrong and right opposed to each individual having the power to think and choose for themselves. Since the issue of abortion can be debated from an infinite amount of perspectives with various approaches, our society as a whole may never come to an agreeable set of norms. Yet, I find value in engaging the Kantian ethical theory and act utilitarianism to show how morality can be distinguished based off the actor’s good inclinations and consequences of one’s action.

Decisions

This entry is way past due. 09/28/2012

This last summer involved a large amount of just living and learning about life, myself, people, and bullcrap. I've been an avid learner, rolling with whatever strange things life throws at me. It's been challenging, exhilarating, painful, telling, but nonetheless... lovely.

However, there were some dark moments I had faced and as a result of that, I was forced to grow up immensely in a matter of seconds.

We make decisions every day... it's a well known fact. Apple juice or milk for breakfast? Each decision effects us for a certain duration of time depending on the magnitude of each decision. I came to a state of overwhelming cluster-thoughts of how different I could have been if I took other paths, etc. If I stuck with music, continued playing basketball, pursued optometry, or had tattoos for days... or was mormon?! Perhaps there is a Meredith out there who has committed herself to every opposite decision I have made thus far. If so, I'd love to meet her someday.

With this cluster of thoughts, I imagined paths laying in front of me, behind me, running circles, twirling, curving about the ground with infinite possibilities. Each decision, no matter how miniscule, will lead you to the next one. So choose carefully always- this is what I've concluded.

Over life's course of events, I've become more realistic than bitter, more stable than gullible... but alas, I still find truth in David Hume's philosophy: Reason should and ought to be a slave to the passions. So brace yourself because this is about to head in an abstract direction... where reason has little importance... and where I still find truth in Alfie,

"When you walk let your heart lead the way and you'll find love, any day."


Whether this 'love' is a person, a soulmate, a career, a passion, or simply a happiness-- it is very accurate to call this kind of.. my belief.  My words, my actions, my thoughts, my voice, are all my own and are organic by my nature. I never do or say anything for a desired outcome, play games, or do something because someone said I should. Even if someone suggests something, if I commit to doing something it's because I have decided that it is right. To concur with another philosopher, Sartre argued, as the atheist existentialist he is, that when you choose something-- you affirm it as valuable. Just because we as human beings exist, we have the freedom to make choices (which is wonderful and awesome!)... and the freedom to not choose something. With this freedom of choosing comes responsibility. This freedom is what gives our existence its essence... for we create what is valuable to us by choosing, by making decisions.

Screw 'i love you', 'i need you', and even 'i want you,' it would just be refreshing for someone to choose me. Haha, there is no way I could ever be demanding for my needs are so easy to please.

Anyway, I follow my instincts, or my heart, better than anyone I know. Don't associate instinct with impulse, for I think everything in and out, frontwards and back, before I act upon it. This way of functioning, 9 times out of 10, SUCKS! I can easily get burned, left vulnerable with my words hanging in the air, stabbed in the back, or any disheartening cliche you can think of... and regardless, I have yet to get permanently frightened from opening up again.

I'm good at forgiving I guess.

It is within those times that my heart seems to speak up the most, or inappropriately... but it is worse when it becomes abruptly silent when I need to hear what it wants the most. There was a moment this summer when my heart spoke up in a way I never thought possible.

I know life is all about living and losing and I certainly understand how we all get a little frustrated being compassionate when it's just another tale of someone losing someone. Mmkay, so brace yourself again because this is one of those.

I don't know why my instincts were so strong that morning or why I got up as early as I did. Besides a run and an easy shift at work, I had nothing to do that day. But as I came downstairs, I found my dad sitting on the floor comforting Ernie, our family dog, as he returned from another seizure of running, puking, and peeing. My dad had just gotten back from a business trip so we were all relieved to have him home since no one understand Ernie as well has he did. I had presumed his duties, picking up his dog messes, feeding him his meds, picking him off the ground when his hindquarters gave out... it was rough. Ernie was an old man who loved life and didn't want to let go. It was almost like he didn't want to lay down at times as if sleep would help death catch him. Once he returned to a conscious state, the dreaded questions arose.

Without thinking, "I can't stand to watch him go through this for one more day."

We made the appointment at the vet and it almost as if Ernie knew. He was calm as we carried him, our 120lb collie-husky-lab mix like a baby to the pick up. He laid so still as my dad took comfort in the vets words: "I really think you're making the right decision today."

Decisions.

This was my decision, my choice, to take the life of a friend whom yes, even in miserable pain, I would still love to spend another day with. Where is the line that determines the good and evil? Right and wrong? Is it selfish to want him to stay alive with his pain of heartless to end his life to be rid of his pain?
I knew the answer as I wrestled with these thoughts until I found the root of all my frustration with this decision.

I could never take it back. This decision wasn't refundable, changeable... Just because I chose to put Ernie down, I felt as if I should too have the power to take it back- but I don't. When people pass it hurts, and sometimes to get rid of the pain we want to reverse decisions of change the situation... and in natural situations, one doesn't have a choice with death.
And yet, I did.
This dialogue isn't meant to question whether or not I made the right decision. Ernie did not have the option of avoiding death. His day was coming eventually. It's just that this was my first time dealing with such a magnitude in one decision and coping with the responsibilities... the pain. My dad didn't make the decision. I did. In fact, he confessed that he probably wouldn't have done it without me even though he too, knew it was time.

And there's more.

As the vets took Ernie into the building, my dad turned to me and said, "They asked if we wanted to be with him, but I said no. I figured you didn't. I don't." I got into the pick up quietly as my heart suddenly spoke up.

He figured wrong.

My dad is my rock in my life in so many wonderful ways. I knew his soft heart could never handle watching this and he was scared, in need of a strong ale. And even though I too was hurting, there was something wrong with driving away at that moment.

If you know me at all- I fear a lot of things. These fears used to greatly dictate my life decisions, generally subconscious, and my biggest fear being the unknown. Haha, I'm working on it. Likewise, I was scared shitless to go back into the vet all by myself, not knowing what to expect.

One may scoff at this, proclaiming that Ernie was just a pet etc and he wouldn't have been competent to process whether or not he was without family in his last moments. Regardless, he was a huge part of our family and there was no way I could let him die alone. It was comforting to see how the vet handled him loved him, and comforted him in his last moments. I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't stayed with him.
Alas, it was peaceful and painless; he was so cooperative and relaxed as if he knew what was coming and I can only hope that he was accepting. As I kissed him on the head to say goodbye and walked back to the pick up to find my dad standing, waiting-- and he thanked me. My brother phoned soon after and he too thanked me.

"I didn't do it for you."

In this world full of shit and yet beautiful things, the majority of people are lonely. Even in a crowded room, a  marriage, a strong friendship-- we all have our moments of complete and utter emptiness, loneliness. A hole I hope to continue patching up on my own and hopefully one day find someone who will continue to patch it up with me, and likewise me to him. Until then, sometimes loneliness will catch up with me and all I can do is welcome it in, sit it down, and offer it a beer. But when someone's time comes, they should not be lonely.

No one should die alone. 

And perhaps, that is one of my own fears.

A good friend once told me that the good people are always the ones stuck with the short stick. Ha, he said this stating me as one of those good persons. He said the ones with the big hearts will constantly put themselves out there and sometimes we're the ones who get loaded with all the pain, the work, the bull. Agreeing with his statement, I still can't imagine living my life any other way. I will continue to live how I deem it virtuous even if I'm the one coping with the heavy responsibilities and others around me fail to see me for all that I am.

I still miss him everyday. Every time I walk into my parent's house his absence is startling even though he passed a few months back. When Ernie passed he took my childhood with him. I wasn't expecting that. Every memory growing up- he was there. From me crying over my chewed tennies to running around the front yard with him in the rain... he was there. I am incredibly thankful for that.

When the beginning of the end came, I was there for him. The first night when he didn't have the strength to make it up the stairs I grabbed some pillows and blankets and camped out on the living room floor beside him. If I had the strength to carry him up the stairs I would have, but there was something rejuvenating in pretending we were young again... almost like building a fort.

Some decisions are permanent. In this strange life full of changes, cycles, peaks and troughs-- some things never really end or leave: even the people you cut out of your life have a way of coming back, finding a way to fit into your life again, starting anew... even if you were sure the paths you took and the decisions you made burned the bridge to cross again. But death is the final cause. The only way the cycles end and have no way of changing again.

Ernie was an obnoxious life lover. He had a loud bark to greet each visitor with, a hard head, a dangerously happy tail, the sweetest hello when arriving home, the dearest eyes of a genuine beggar which were the prettiest blue I'll ever see. He was gentile, a bed hog, eager for five am walks, a softy for the cats, and he had the heart of a child. He never really did grow up; always seeking more attention, more love, table scraps, and always anticipating someone to come home.

Still miss his blue eyes, everyday. 

Rest in peace my friend. 

Thank God for Rosemary

Character study and character development is generally an on-going process. There's moments when I'm walking to class, driving in my car, observing in rehearsals, or even sleeping is when something new emerges and hits me like a semi. Ah-ha! or sometimes an "ohhhhh..." And sometimes the director has to slap me in the face with the scene because for some reason the dialogue wasn't obvious. I take things at face value nine times out of ten soooo sometimes I need someone to help me find the underlying message even if I should have known better from my acting classes haha. Eh. I'm still learning. I can go over her motives a million times and still find something new.  Or develop her humor more. Before one of our first shows I shared a joke to everyone who was waiting in the elevator with me: "my boyfriend is just like a trampoline... I don't have a trampoline."

Alas, Rosemary gradually became alive and I think the reason it took me so long to develop her is because she is more like me than I wanted to admit.

What rubbed me wrong about her immediately is the fact that she continues to chase Finch as he continues to shut her down time after time. I guess, he doesn't necessarily shut her down, but if you take the scene out of the 1960's and put it into 2012, there is no way I'd be chasing Finch. OR anyone for that matter, haha. He doesn't give her much to work with in the way of reciprocating any affections but yet here she is waiting patiently and pursuing him. It's inspiring in a lime light of sorts, but also pathetic. With all the people in the world who are out and about searching for their certain someone; why would she stick with the 'helpless adorable window-washer' who just randomly walks into her work one day? Why him? How would Rosemary know they are even compatible? Dogs/cats/kids/God ... all very important conversations to have first and here she is eager go to lunch with him. Eager to keep his dinner warm. Eager to marry him.

I couldn't fathom this motive for I am very much in favor of a mutual chase and progression at a reasonable rate. Its give and take people: its absurd for a guy to do all the hard work and stupid for a girl to think he should. Likewise, for Rosemary to do all the hard work while Finch completely ignores her without paying her a little bit of attention' is not ideal. Being chased and chasing are the upmost wonderful things about a new fling... and Rosemary just gets the excitement of getting proposed to OUT OF THE BLUE while she thinks he's hooking up with another secretary. And to make matters worse, Finch is so focused on moving up in the world that he genuinely does ignore Rosemary--- even if he's essentially moving up to better their lives together, thinking mostly of her. But she doesn't know this. How does she not get discouraged, pack up her pride, and walk away? that's what girls do in this day in age. what is right in this situation?

Ah-ha! In fact, what really changes the situation is when he chases her. It changes everything. The moments are quick in the script, but they are there. She threatens to leave countless times when talking with her girlfriends but only tells Finch this twice... and the two times she does; he chases her. Once with a "I need you" and then with a "... you're going to be Mrs. Finch..." His chasing her really does justify all her silly giddiness and her chasing him. It does! And I believe this is also true in this day in age. I still probably wouldn't find myself in Rosemary's specific situation but being chased qualifies everything. It's just not as common in the current dating realm since we have all these pre-conceived notions of how a guy and girl should act in a given situation and less importance of how one 'ought' to act. Here let me distinguish the two: the girl should not text/call... let him text you. Ugh, I am very much someone who believes reason ought to be a slave to the passion at all times... so if you want to text him-- do it. Of course there are lines, but don't let a rule hold you back from doing what you want. If it blows up, good-- better now than later down the line when you're more invested... better to just be, act, and feel what you feel naturally.

It was quite interesting playing a character in the confusing dating realm of 1962 when I can barely understand the dating realm in the time period I am in. The parallels are remarkable and likewise, discouraging. And since I am still in the process of figuring out my own dating realm, I really have no solid concept to build on. Ah, and let's face it, every dating realm is confusing. I ended up watching Mad Men so I could at least get a feel for the time period... and the true joy of being content to 'keep his dinner warm'... but  for some reason, Rosemary still wasn't alive to me.

I was afraid that my own personal pessimistic views on relationships was impacting Rosemary, but after a scene discussion with our assistant stage director I finally found the trait that linked Rosemary and I.

We're both vulnerable.

Anybody that has had acting training knows that the word vulnerable has such a deeper meaning than the negative connotations it implies: weak, insecure, pathetic, awkward, crying, zero-confidence, fragile, etc. In this case, I mean vulnerable in the sense that she is constantly putting herself out there, in front of Finch, even if the odds are against her.

That's what I do too.

I don't let a guy walk all over me, but I take chances, even if reason tells me not too. And I have continued to put myself out there, even though I have been hurt, abused, taken advantage of, had promises broken, and really have had every reason to give up and go lesbian... but I haven't. I don't have a choice. From my own goodwill, I am hardwired to hope, to give.

And thats inspiring to see in Rosemary as well, not only because it works out for her 'happy ever after' but because I do find beauty in her philosophy and constant faith. She's relentlessly. She literally says I love you and is completely ignored, and somehow finds a way to be positive- 'Oh, to be loved, by a man with a goal...' I wish I didn't get discouraged as easily, but you live and learn.

 I guess I'm very old-fashioned in a lot of ways and at the same time, very independent. When things go south, I don't do the girl-hate-guy bash routine but yet I won't get all mushy and I'm-never-going-to-find-anyone. Those extremes are usually the most typical. I just give zero fucks. Life happens like that. I mean, I have feelings, don't get me wrong haha, but I keep them to myself... for the most part. Or I guess the more accurate description is that I process what I'm thinking and feeling.. and then I write them down. Haha. Ask McKay, somedays are weekly coffee dates are filled with hefty discussions as I quickly jot down my concepts and his additions.

I have a lot of respect for Rosemary now, because I don't think I could have traveled the path she did unless the chemistry between her and Finch was so overpowering-- you couldn't not feel it. A connection like that takes time to develop, unlike the ten minutes it took Rosemary to decide she was going to marry Finch, and the two weeks or so it took Finch to decide he was going to marry Rosemary. Alas, they both risked a lot based on their chemistry knowing they wanted to be together... and I guess I'm just going to blame that bit on theatre magic. For I have a caveat...

I have found love before. I know how to make it work, to last, to keep it alive, exciting... but there's no point in being in love and loving someone when the sentiment isn't returned. As Sinatra states perfectly, "when somebody loves you, its no good unless they love you, all the way." I have been loved in return, but I guess in the end, it wasn't enough. It's not that I'm demanding, perhaps its more that I give too much, and the difference is too great not too notice. Or another approach is maybe there are certain ways to love someone and maybe one isn't always capable of loving you the way you need to be. And just like you can't make someone care, you can't make them love you... or love you more. It must be organic. And if you could make someone love you, would it still be a love worth celebrating... one that was forced? Life is funny like that and there's no point in getting upset about it, this is just how it is. Why is never the question, its where do we go from here. So even though I do believe in Rosemary and Finch's love... who can say it will last...

"without true love we just exist. until you find the love you've missed, you're nothing, alfie." 

I want my first marriage to be my only marriage. Acknowledging that I have little control over the actual outcome of this but the control I do have, I am taking full reins of. Fate will do its fate-like thing while I continue to strive for something spectacular. For whenever that happens. I might not know within ten minutes like Rosemary did, but she's given me faith to keep my eyes open, continue being vulnerable, even if my past experiences, day-to-day set backs, and cynical outlook tempts me to close my eyes and walk away.

I found the more open I was with Rosemary, the more at ease I felt with her onstage and the more positive response I received from my director. I made drastic choices, took risks, and quite frankly, expressed myself in a way I typically don't. There is a side to Meredith that only those close to me get to see but a lot of that side is becoming more prominent lately. With Rosemary I got to be the stupid silly naive girl who is mesmerized when a certain boy walks in the room and glances her way. Not only was I able to be that girl, I was able to feel that way, and it be okay... and share my feelings with an audience. I got the wind knocked out of me when he started singing to me and got to stand up a desk in joy. 

Real life? Not really. Scary? Scary as shit. 

All of those fantastic sensations I got to experience... and express as myself through Rosemary. 

This has probably been one of the most personal character developments I have yet to endure and share with others. Seeing Rosemary is a lot like seeing a side of me that has been non-existent these past couple of months... having her back is nice. I find acting very therapeutic. Don't worry, it won't become an addiction. 

 As much as I will miss the world of wickets and secretaries, I am ready to resume real-life. Academics are back to being my number one priority as well as having a life. A life where I can go back to running or biking everyday, cooking dinner, and hopefully finding time to breathe. Breathing is always a good thing.

Overall, Rosemary has taught me a lot. It took a lot of growing up on my part, letting go of some of my own perceptions, coming to terms with past relationships and even current ones, and good god... I learned a lot. About myself, my acting, my beliefs and struggles, her beliefs and struggles, what I stand for, and of course, our beautiful vulnerability.

Separate the ones that know you from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.