Character study and character development is generally an on-going process. There's moments when I'm walking to class, driving in my car, observing in rehearsals, or even sleeping is when something new emerges and hits me like a semi. Ah-ha! or sometimes an "ohhhhh..." And sometimes the director has to slap me in the face with the scene because for some reason the dialogue wasn't obvious. I take things at face value nine times out of ten soooo sometimes I need someone to help me find the underlying message even if I should have known better from my acting classes haha. Eh. I'm still learning. I can go over her motives a million times and still find something new. Or develop her humor more. Before one of our first shows I shared a joke to everyone who was waiting in the elevator with me: "my boyfriend is just like a trampoline... I don't have a trampoline."
Alas, Rosemary gradually became alive and I think the reason it took me so long to develop her is because she is more like me than I wanted to admit.
What rubbed me wrong about her immediately is the fact that she continues to chase Finch as he continues to shut her down time after time. I guess, he doesn't necessarily shut her down, but if you take the scene out of the 1960's and put it into 2012, there is no way I'd be chasing Finch. OR anyone for that matter, haha. He doesn't give her much to work with in the way of reciprocating any affections but yet here she is waiting patiently and pursuing him. It's inspiring in a lime light of sorts, but also pathetic. With all the people in the world who are out and about searching for their certain someone; why would she stick with the 'helpless adorable window-washer' who just randomly walks into her work one day? Why him? How would Rosemary know they are even compatible? Dogs/cats/kids/God ... all very important conversations to have first and here she is eager go to lunch with him. Eager to keep his dinner warm. Eager to marry him.
I couldn't fathom this motive for I am very much in favor of a mutual chase and progression at a reasonable rate. Its give and take people: its absurd for a guy to do all the hard work and stupid for a girl to think he should. Likewise, for Rosemary to do all the hard work while Finch completely ignores her without paying her a little bit of attention' is not ideal. Being chased and chasing are the upmost wonderful things about a new fling... and Rosemary just gets the excitement of getting proposed to OUT OF THE BLUE while she thinks he's hooking up with another secretary. And to make matters worse, Finch is so focused on moving up in the world that he genuinely does ignore Rosemary--- even if he's essentially moving up to better their lives together, thinking mostly of her. But she doesn't know this. How does she not get discouraged, pack up her pride, and walk away? that's what girls do in this day in age. what is right in this situation?
Ah-ha! In fact, what really changes the situation is when he chases her. It changes everything. The moments are quick in the script, but they are there. She threatens to leave countless times when talking with her girlfriends but only tells Finch this twice... and the two times she does; he chases her. Once with a "I need you" and then with a "... you're going to be Mrs. Finch..." His chasing her really does justify all her silly giddiness and her chasing him. It does! And I believe this is also true in this day in age. I still probably wouldn't find myself in Rosemary's specific situation but being chased qualifies everything. It's just not as common in the current dating realm since we have all these pre-conceived notions of how a guy and girl should act in a given situation and less importance of how one 'ought' to act. Here let me distinguish the two: the girl should not text/call... let him text you. Ugh, I am very much someone who believes reason ought to be a slave to the passion at all times... so if you want to text him-- do it. Of course there are lines, but don't let a rule hold you back from doing what you want. If it blows up, good-- better now than later down the line when you're more invested... better to just be, act, and feel what you feel naturally.
It was quite interesting playing a character in the confusing dating realm of 1962 when I can barely understand the dating realm in the time period I am in. The parallels are remarkable and likewise, discouraging. And since I am still in the process of figuring out my own dating realm, I really have no solid concept to build on. Ah, and let's face it, every dating realm is confusing. I ended up watching Mad Men so I could at least get a feel for the time period... and the true joy of being content to 'keep his dinner warm'... but for some reason, Rosemary still wasn't alive to me.
I was afraid that my own personal pessimistic views on relationships was impacting Rosemary, but after a scene discussion with our assistant stage director I finally found the trait that linked Rosemary and I.
We're both vulnerable.
Anybody that has had acting training knows that the word vulnerable has such a deeper meaning than the negative connotations it implies: weak, insecure, pathetic, awkward, crying, zero-confidence, fragile, etc. In this case, I mean vulnerable in the sense that she is constantly putting herself out there, in front of Finch, even if the odds are against her.
That's what I do too.
I don't let a guy walk all over me, but I take chances, even if reason tells me not too. And I have continued to put myself out there, even though I have been hurt, abused, taken advantage of, had promises broken, and really have had every reason to give up and go lesbian... but I haven't. I don't have a choice. From my own goodwill, I am hardwired to hope, to give.
And thats inspiring to see in Rosemary as well, not only because it works out for her 'happy ever after' but because I do find beauty in her philosophy and constant faith. She's relentlessly. She literally says I love you and is completely ignored, and somehow finds a way to be positive- 'Oh, to be loved, by a man with a goal...' I wish I didn't get discouraged as easily, but you live and learn.
I guess I'm very old-fashioned in a lot of ways and at the same time, very independent. When things go south, I don't do the girl-hate-guy bash routine but yet I won't get all mushy and I'm-never-going-to-find-anyone. Those extremes are usually the most typical. I just give zero fucks. Life happens like that. I mean, I have feelings, don't get me wrong haha, but I keep them to myself... for the most part. Or I guess the more accurate description is that I process what I'm thinking and feeling.. and then I write them down. Haha. Ask McKay, somedays are weekly coffee dates are filled with hefty discussions as I quickly jot down my concepts and his additions.
I have a lot of respect for Rosemary now, because I don't think I could have traveled the path she did unless the chemistry between her and Finch was so overpowering-- you couldn't not feel it. A connection like that takes time to develop, unlike the ten minutes it took Rosemary to decide she was going to marry Finch, and the two weeks or so it took Finch to decide he was going to marry Rosemary. Alas, they both risked a lot based on their chemistry knowing they wanted to be together... and I guess I'm just going to blame that bit on theatre magic. For I have a caveat...
I have found love before. I know how to make it work, to last, to keep it alive, exciting... but there's no point in being in love and loving someone when the sentiment isn't returned. As Sinatra states perfectly, "when somebody loves you, its no good unless they love you, all the way." I have been loved in return, but I guess in the end, it wasn't enough. It's not that I'm demanding, perhaps its more that I give too much, and the difference is too great not too notice. Or another approach is maybe there are certain ways to love someone and maybe one isn't always capable of loving you the way you need to be. And just like you can't make someone care, you can't make them love you... or love you more. It must be organic. And if you could make someone love you, would it still be a love worth celebrating... one that was forced? Life is funny like that and there's no point in getting upset about it, this is just how it is. Why is never the question, its where do we go from here. So even though I do believe in Rosemary and Finch's love... who can say it will last...
"without true love we just exist. until you find the love you've missed, you're nothing, alfie."
I want my first marriage to be my only marriage. Acknowledging that I have little control over the actual outcome of this but the control I do have, I am taking full reins of. Fate will do its fate-like thing while I continue to strive for something spectacular. For whenever that happens. I might not know within ten minutes like Rosemary did, but she's given me faith to keep my eyes open, continue being vulnerable, even if my past experiences, day-to-day set backs, and cynical outlook tempts me to close my eyes and walk away.
I found the more open I was with Rosemary, the more at ease I felt with her onstage and the more positive response I received from my director. I made drastic choices, took risks, and quite frankly, expressed myself in a way I typically don't. There is a side to Meredith that only those close to me get to see but a lot of that side is becoming more prominent lately. With Rosemary I got to be the stupid silly naive girl who is mesmerized when a certain boy walks in the room and glances her way. Not only was I able to be that girl, I was able to feel that way, and it be okay... and share my feelings with an audience. I got the wind knocked out of me when he started singing to me and got to stand up a desk in joy.
Real life? Not really. Scary? Scary as shit.
All of those fantastic sensations I got to experience... and express as myself through Rosemary.
This has probably been one of the most personal character developments I have yet to endure and share with others. Seeing Rosemary is a lot like seeing a side of me that has been non-existent these past couple of months... having her back is nice. I find acting very therapeutic. Don't worry, it won't become an addiction.
As much as I will miss the world of wickets and secretaries, I am ready to resume real-life. Academics are back to being my number one priority as well as having a life. A life where I can go back to running or biking everyday, cooking dinner, and hopefully finding time to breathe. Breathing is always a good thing.
Overall, Rosemary has taught me a lot. It took a lot of growing up on my part, letting go of some of my own perceptions, coming to terms with past relationships and even current ones, and good god... I learned a lot. About myself, my acting, my beliefs and struggles, her beliefs and struggles, what I stand for, and of course, our beautiful vulnerability.
Separate the ones that know you from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.
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