meredith j: Identity

Identity: the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. The condition of being oneself or itself and not another.

Sometimes you don't know how lost you are until you are found. I myself was enjoying the scenic route as I wandered carelessly about, but it was unbeknownst to me how my path had detoured... until I found myself back where it all started. The signs on the road saying "WTF" definitely didn't catch my attention and instead gave me the completely wrong idea.

All that was felt but never spoken came tumbling to my feet when my dad said, "You know, if you really wanted to, you could transfer back."

What liberation. Really, could I? Who cares about pride, you live as you learn so what if leaving were a mistake? If music should still be a part of my undergraduate career then am I at the right place? However, Sidhartha taught me well how we humans easily believe that by doing one thing or buying something will alleviate suffering. (ex. you think buying that DVD will somehow encourage you to work out more, when really the change must come from within you). But once we obtain said object, the suffering still exists unless we face the pain head on and pull out a yoga mat.

So transferring back will not make me happy. I miss the moments and the people but neither of them will be there if I returned. The memories cannot be relived, peers have graduated moved on, sisters have left, and my closest friends have stronger bonds with people who are strangers to me. Returning would not be the same. So uh, why did my dad's proposition excite me?

I need to get out of Moscow.

When my environmental science lab took a field trip to Granite Dam I got way too giddy for an education tour trip. As much as I love my hometown that trip confirmed it. I think I've outgrown this place. Horribly.

Along with that, I just need to graduate. My new short term goal is to just graduate and leave. I'm ready to start that wonderful thing called life and while I love school... I feel the pressures of academics and part-time jobs is to "just get by" of to "just be okay". I'm really to live a little here.

But I'm here for a reason. I left Pocatello for a reason, and I believe that everything does happen for a reason so there's no point in resisting the change. So, I'm at peace with being here in Moscow, for the time being.

Ugh.

But I've been lost for so many reasons besides that. My dad's proposition stirred another thought of my unhappiness. I have been taking voice lessons for the past ten years of my life and abruptly, I up and quit. I don't like using that word, but here it really does fit. I quit singing. Almost altogether if it wasn't for the shows I was participating in... but even then it wasn't enough. It was kinda like missing my right ear, or arm... or something. It sucks, and kinda painful. Within my group of friends I was always the one with the voice of the music major... and not my identity has been comprised.

Bitter? Yeah, probably a little. At whom or what I'm not quite sure and life is funny that way, but placing blame isn't important compared to deciding where to go from here.

haha, so here I am! More involved with the theatre than ever and taking acting and dancing classes because quite frankly, I don't need a degree to do what I enjoy. I can seek out training anywhere. And after a long painful year without lessons, I'm back to regular weekly lessons with Kelli. Which is just as big of an adventure for her as it is for me... since I am uber rusty and she's not used to me being a high soprano. (Wow, life changes fast.) And overall, I'm really excited to sing new pieces, continue classical, and embark on some foreign musical theatre healthy-belting...

Perhaps I needed this break form singing to show myself how strongly I have always identified with it. The other day when I was at work, one of the servers who I have bonded with a lot recently, flattered me by surprise by asking me this random question, "Does it bother you to hear people sing when they totally don't know what they're doing?" I don't think she knew how much I appreciated her comment because it reassured me that even though my path has switched directions, I am still who I am... and the music bleeds through no matter what. Even with my new family at work, I am now seen as the singer (alongside Kelli of course). I've invested so much of my life into singing, and still do, that I can't let anyone compromise my passion towards it. And better yet, I'm studying the stuff I want to and learning what I need to... to better myself as a vocalist and performer for the life I believe I am meant to live and less confined to the degree that everything thinks I should pursue.

My voice is my own.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

-Mumford and Sons

Some memories from freshman year. <3 i="">