meredith j: November 2013

Hello Generation Y.

That is me, isn't it? And that's possibly you as well... Welp, good ol' Gen Ys... we think we're pretty awesome to be frank. But when it comes to relationships... we genuinely are pretty special.

In fact, current social psychologists can't explain us.

After we go out on one date we start to act monogamous. You see it right? I myself can picture a 1950's ice cream parlor with several couples out on their "dates" and then the next weekend all the girls are out with a different guy. And those guys are out with different girls! without guilty attached feelings. That's not us. HAHA, at all. For our generation we go and get coffee with someone and from there on out we feel obligated to tell that person if we go out to get coffee with someone else. Not because they make us, but because we feel inclined to inform them. And this is actually coffee, mind you. This is not a sexual innuendo. One coffee date is all it takes for a mutual attachment. (Obviously, mutual interest in one another must be present, no five stage clingers).

If this isn't how you operate, then congrats! You are definitely an outlier.

Nonetheless, we as people like to be liked.

Back in the forth grade, when Nicole was told that Hayden liked her and then magically she liked him back and then the next recess they were dating without ever speaking a word to one another? Yes, it's that simple people. (This was a real event, btw). We find more expressions of similarity when we like someone, then we too self-disclose, feel warmer towards them, have more positive attitudes and that results in the ACTUAL liking of this person. And next we're having coffee and suddenly couples are sitting in a tree, k -i- s- s- i- n- g....

But besides the playground at recess, where do couples meet each other?

Even today with online dating, people still prominently meet their partners through friends. Sometimes this is through church functions, or through social groups at the bar... so all you single ladies-- it pays to take Beyonce to karaoke night and be a little outgoing.

And yet, when you land the guy, we all tend to wonder what does a kiss mean?

There's the attraction, then the kiss and then..... what?

A kiss generally gives indicates different things to each gender. Regardless of the prelude to the kiss, both genders are evaluating the kiss in their own fashion.

Women want fireworks. Most women have had that reaction to a kiss thinking "meh" or "I could work with that..." which indicates there wasn't any physiological bodily response. Most women don't pursue it any further. Kind of crappy, I'm sorry guys. And men are implicitly evaluating access. In some cases, it is as simple as it seems "Am I getting any tonight or not?" Or it is more complex as is this going somewhere for me long term? Is the attraction heightened with this kiss? Access is measured of whether or not they get denied or decide to discontinue the activity based on other factors.

SO not to put any pressure everyone, but the first kiss-- it does matter.

And now, to address the other cliche... is there such thing as love at first sight?

Social Psychologists say, "...why not?"

There hasn't been research against it. There probably isn't this sense of "enduring" love at first sight but if one experiences a physical component (eh-hem, such as butterflies) then why the heck not?

Just to be clear- Bird of a feather, do like to flock together.

So opposites attract? Well sure, some people yes. (eh-hem, outliers!) But for the most part couples tend to be similar and that similarity is what draws them together in the first place.

Three out of four American's say they are "in love."

Are you?

Here, let me help you.

Symptomology

-Intrusive thinking: can you not stop thinking of her?

-Idealization: you have positive illusions about the person (this is actually not a bad thing, it is almost essential in every relationship, to not see your partner in a negative light).

-Inclusion of Self: you use the pronoun "We".

-Sacrifice: its not a big deal to miss the Seahawks game for a date.

-UNSTABLE PSYCHO-PHYSIOLOGICAL RESPONSES: butterflies.

-Longing for emotional union over a sexual union: ex. you would bring her soup when she's sick, even though kissing may be out of the question.

-Desire for sexual exclusivity: self explanatory.

-Emotional dependence: Instead of having one good day, you have to have two. You get up every morning, put your clothes on, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, and go to bed. Good day? Then your mission is accomplished! However, even if your day went fine, your partner's day also has to go well for you to continue to have a good day. My professor in class spoke of how her partner that morning hit a deer on her way to work. Her day was ruined before it even started along with her partner's car being totaled. To add to this, her friend had called earlier that month and she too had hit a deer but it did not ruin my professor's day. Emotional dependence usually only occurs with your romantic partners, not friends.

Lastly, I think the final stage of figuring out if you're in love or not, is to gauge if you are in the exchange stage or communal. When relationships begin, there is mostly exchange going on as things are still separate. When you go out together and it is not a date both parties may pay for themselves. Later, in the communal stage, if it is still not a date but one partner will pay for both because there is this sense of sharing. When couples are about to break up, they return to the exchange stage as they begin to sort through DVDs and CDs being territorial of what is theirs and not their partner's.

So love. What gives?

"Love is a many splendid thing. love lefts us up where we belong. all you need is love." -Moulin Rouge

"How do you know that you love her?" -Enchanted

"I believe in love, Alfie. Without true love we just exist." -Alfie

If there is one concept I can get across here, I hope it to be this. Make sure it's a love worth living for.

Below is Sternberg's Triangle of Love Theory.

It is pretty self explanatory but overall, the Consummate Love is a Western culture idea (pretty much how all Chick Flicks end). Isn't that the ultimate goal here people?!?

(Fatuous- a commited friends with benefits.

Empty love- is where a couple stays together for the kids.)

There was a study conducted to research how couples viewed their closeness with their partners and if this data could predict the longevity of their relationships. This was done by asking the couples, in separate rooms, to draw how close they thought they and their partner were using circles. Why not squares? I have no clue, but the results were interesting.

Some participants were very creative with the ambiguity of this task drawing one huge circle with a smaller circle beside it or even inside of it. But one thing was clear: the move overlap between the circles the couples drew, the greater the chance they were still together six months latter.

Take away point? Ask your partner to draw your closeness and see where their head is at.

And certainly, if you are an outlier to Generation Y- you could have the dilemma of choosing who you like more. If that is the case, I suggest you try this:

Fantastic, right?

Obviously, I don't think love is this straight-forward.

But I find it fantastically interesting.

And reassuring. To realize that I'd draw the two circles representing Ian and I as close as possible even being miles away. To find where we are on Sternberg's Triangle and be content that we're doing everything right. One time, when we both got to a grocery store, after a night of drinking, we ran separate directions to go get each other's favorite junk-sober up food. I got him his Lunchables and he got me Tontino's... and I can only have a good day when he too has a good day.

Lean in to the butterflies, it's worth it.