Let me at the Truth which will refresh my Broken Mind.

When I saw this doctor up in Spokane four years ago to be evaluated after meningitis (just a check point to make sure there wasn't anything that needed attention etc) my doctor, Frank was his name, said something I've carried with me since.

"All humans are struggling. And we're all compensating."

To decrease the randomness of his statement, he was a therapeutic doctor of sorts (the kind my dad calls witch craft or something) and he was massaging my limbs checking for blood flow etc... essentially saying that if I am in pain in one place, it is a high chance that I'm hurting elsewhere. If a joint is off kilter, something might be off too... This compensation is common.. to counteract, to support, to get by...

In an every day situation, such compensations aren't easily identifiable and some simply are. It's interesting how we humans act the way we do.

I've felt a giant switch of gears this last summer and at last I feel I have settled into a natural traffic of my own stop and go's.

I like it. And it's hard to almost function in another manner or result back to old habits. But these last couple of months I know I was compensating in many ways... and I guess at this point, I hope I'm past it all. I feel like I am. I definitely compensated by being excessively social (developing the "afraid to miss the party" syndrome with lots of sleep deprivation and drinking) and by trying various new things.
I've now gone through many anew cycle with coping to being on my own. I say being on my own in the sense that not only have I not been single for the past five years of my life but also living by myself. (Both which I thoroughly enjoy, I must add). All of that is a huge change for me. But being on my own wasn't the hard part-- why was I struggling? what was causing my pain?
The very trick to finding true relief would only come from determining were the majority of the pain was coming from and facing that head on, and letting go of temporary reliefs such as compensating and finding momentarily distractions. And my friends, I figured it out.

I've always been independent, never telling a girl-friend I'm going pee so she'd join me but to actually let her know I'm not ditching ha... And I remember in high school, I was always the friend who people loved telling the crazy stories too because I was never there- always off busy with a project, a show, out of town for a music gig... I participated as socially as I could but life literally happened while I was busy being busy. If that makes any sense. No regrets here. It is just fact, and more or less evidence that I am not relationship-dependent. I don't need or necessarily want someone like that in my life... that's just how my life has played out thus far. I'm that friend growing up who always had a boyfriend. Coincidence that the majority of my closest friends are guys? I'm not sure. But not only was I always in a relationship... the shortest relationship I think I've ever had was eight months. I don't mess around. When I'm in, I'm all in. Regardless of the risk. So, as a result, I'm just accustomed to having someone there... to sharing my life with... so having the space and time to not put forth on someone else is different...its just change. By nature, I think I just share anyway. But this shouldn't be root of all my suffering.

And it's not.

I was compensating for a loss that I didn't know existed until I found myself in a relationship (good god, if you would even call it that) where I was disrespected and treated like... dirt. Or, shall I say, a Moscow princess? whatever that may be.. anyway. The loss I was coping with wasn't a person or a part of my life I wanted back... or a friendship even. It was my faith. My faith in people, relationships, what love is versus what it is supposed to be, promises... I'd lost all faith in those ideals. SO I was okay from being treated like dirt. I didn't expect anything. Or demand what I thought I deserved. I was settling for what I thought was the only form of connection left between two people romantically speaking. Soon after that realization I discovered the underlying root to my conflict. I struggle with the metaphysical aspect of life and relationships. If everything is constantly changing... how can it stay the same? If we as natural human beings are also changing and yet staying the same all at once... how can one stay the same and change with someone else? Change is wonderful when you are in pain and the eventual arrival of change is liberating in that specific instance but in terms of people and relationships... we are constantly changing so how can we stay the same with just one individual? How can one promise something now that will indefinitely change in the future? Do we just ignore these changes? avoid them? Hide them? Change with them?! When do we confront our fears head on and be honest about them? When is it okay to change with someone? Do we as individuals experience different rates of change and perhaps will one day reach a point where our changes are so miniscule that being in a relationship is ideal?

All of this is overwhelming.

 I'm simply just acknowledging my short-comings to seek truth and live justly. Changing with someone scares me- for how do you know that you are evolving into the individual you are meant to be regardless of who is in your life at this point in time? Are we sacrificing parts of ourselves when we are in relationships that we aren't ready for? Or are the partners actually helping us evolve? Perhaps free will needs to be discussed here. All in all, do note that I am not discrediting other's relationships- I am talking of my own personal experiences. I do believe that some are simplest the luckiest of us all and not that I find their love ignorant.

I cannot have faith in something that I don't believe has the foundation that it used to. It is more than just cracks between my feet; it's me reaching for the ledge. I am very much an actions speak louder than words person... and I'm done with talking, I'm done with bullshit. I'm waiting for someone or something or some discovery within myself to prove to me that this is just a transitional state of life... and that one day my faith will be restored.. But who really knows... and besides the metaphor, I sincerely hate falling from great heights I think I've had my fair share of them.

Alas, I refuse to fall for a while to come. There is always that moment... when you have control of your emotions and your rationality is in full swing... and finally if you choose to give in... whether it is a moment of weakness, curiosity, or love... whatever. I refuse to lose control because I either need to regain my faith in relationships before doing so or perhaps find myself in a stronger state of stability with hopefully more gradual changes and less life altering ones.. 

As you can see, I am not the hopeless romantic I have previously been. I do believe in love itself and I feel like love is the one of the most beautiful aspects in life that should never be mediocre. Love of all forms, not just romantic. And I know it exists because I've felt it before, and I hope to one day find it again opposed to settling with someone who you can tolerate best.

A friend whom I just recently became acquainted with said it best, "Aren't we all just players until we meet the one?"

Not quite, bro. I'd like to think we all just kind of run around with our walls up and armed until we are old enough, mature enough, and done with the drastic changes in our lives that we are ready and willing to let someone climb over our walls. I guess I'm putting up more walls than China, friends. And I'm totally okay with that.

Last but not least.
I think it's silly one someone declares how they love the single life and how they are not looking for anything more. The grass is never really greener on the single side unless you're truly not happy in the relationship you are in. Aristotle defined four causes that he found monumental to life and living- the fourth one being how our aim in life, the end result, is to be happy. This made him a teleologist.
Okay, folks. Unless you're sick, everyone wants to find happiness and that my friends, is dating! a relationship! love! a commitment! So lets all be real and admit that we aren't mature for a serious union, too damaged from the past, hung up on someone else, or simply put: not interested.
Let's uncomplicate life and be the caring creatures we are hardwired to be.
here's to living and learning.

Disclaimer: apologizes for the gushy ending. Didn't see it coming myself.