I went swinging the other day and I realize now, I can't remember the last time I did this.
It was liberating.
I took a walk to the park, ended up swinging until dark, and then took a detour stroll home. It probably looked odd, an adult swinging all by myself on a park built for children, but I didn't really mind. People passed in their cars, on their bikes, on foot with their dogs and I was too distracted by my own thoughts to pay them any attention.
This semester was hell for me. Transitions from music to business, music to acting, singing to studying, Annie to Secret Garden, three roommates to just two, voice workshop to performance workshop... I probably took on too much since my stress levels and emotional hysterics are at an all time high. I've had to miss class to be responsible: apartment search, take the cat to the vet, record music for work, and mice issues. And I've had to stay up late and exist on sleep deprivation so I can do all the human things like shower, do laundry and eat. I feel so guilty for taking minutes to myself to eat and to even write this blog! Or go to the gym. Or actually cook. I might be too giddy come summer for I believe I deserve it most. I cannot wait to read a book for fun and to paint. I have ideas, creative ones, and everything must be put on hold until summer. My goal for next fall is to not book myself so full that I feel as if I'm not living. Sometimes, school engulfs everything, and living, doing things for myself, are the first things that go out the window when time flies. I must continue to live.
But boy, have I grown. To think I am not having a nervous breakdown over grades because I won't be expecting all A's this semester. Big accomplishment. I also have made breakthroughs with my acting: being vulnerable with someone else, getting close to tears with my monologue, working on a British accent, and feeling emotions overwhelm me as a character. I am enjoying the craft of acting far more than I could have every imagined; I wish I would have discovered it sooner. Music was always my passion but the typical thought-process makeup of a vocalist is not how I function anymore. I value much more the approach of an actor's; open-understanding-we-are-all-in-this-together concept. I will stick with business but I will continue to seek out acting/theatre classes. And also dance; I enjoy ballet a lot and will continue to pursue those talents as well.
As I was swinging, I came to my own life realization. Now thinking as an economist, I do believe life is just a succession of peaks and troughs. Originally, this thought would bug me because I like all things that are constant, things that are easy to control. But alas, life is not constant and it is uncontrollable. Almost all things in life occur in peaks and troughs. Relationships do as well. But peaks and troughs come and go, expansions and contractions commence, and we really can't fixate on any one things that caused the rises and falls in life. Just got to remember to live. Easier said than done, mind you, for it doesn't make the troughs hurt any less or the peaks any less desirable, but it's a comforting thought to reflect on. Also, there are such things as recessions but it is also comforting that the BLS doesn't acknowledge the existence of depressions! so one will always eventually return to a rising rate at one point or another. Sorry, nerd moment.
Anyway, I currently find myself at a current peak, ready to fall. What began ALL of this stream of consciousness was me swinging. It is that moment, when you have finally pumped your legs to get the swing high in the air, your body in a constant rhythm, and your hands fastened tight around the chains. I find myself at that moment of suspension between each rise and fall. I've just risen to the top of the peak, and any day now, I shall begin to decline. Perhaps I am suspended due to my ignorance or the wonderful distraction of what was Secret Garden, but I can feel at any moment, no matter what, I am doomed to fall. And as a result, I'm trying to keep my mind, and heart, fixated on the swing rising back up to another peak, realizing that no matter how long it takes-- it will come.
my happy jam
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