what rushes into my heart and skull, I can't control.

Change appears to always be a difficult aspect of life even if it is for the better. I am one who is generally quite resistant to change for I love the familiar and find comfort in the life I know. Most people can relate. I am fond of gradual change; slowly changing so I don't feel the direct impact. It errks me how I cannot just accept change at face value and move forward. I feel like I am down to earth enough to not cling on to what was and let things happen as they need to. But why am I still unsettled and sensitive when I sense, or know, a change is about to take place?

After some self examination, I've narrowed it down. It's the transition of change. I only have major friction as I transition into a new phase. So instead of hating on the letting go/moving on/here comes change/I'm going to be an emotional blob, I can instead look forward to what's coming and roll with it better. I'm not sure if all of that makes sense but I don't like being an unstable sensitive let my thoughts eat me alive freak... and that's what these transitions have done to me thus far. I question why they are happening, what is their purpose, did I do anything to initiate it, was it avoidable? And now, having acknowledged my personal friction with just the transition and not the change itself, I can say F-it and quickly quiet my thoughts. Why worry when everything happens for a reason? Why think when it's all in your head and not necessarily so in reality? Do the Mormon thing and just 'Turn it Off'. (Reference to the musical, not the religion itself). Now I know how to cope. My thoughts will probably still eat at me... but I at least will have more stability and sanity. 

Change can be scary. But also liberating. Having the power to change something you don't like... trusting that things will change for the better, knowing change will take place and make life interesting again. It's peaks and troughs, folks. Change is constant. The only issue I have with change is promises. Hence the relationship dilemma. Don't make promises you can't keep and don't believe full-heartedly-no-feet-underneath-you in someone's promise. Time has a way of changing things and no one can be held accountable for how they used to feel or what they promised previously. Change happens... people change. And that is okay.  Nothing is guaranteed in the future. So enjoy it while is lasts. Live day to day.

Even if it doesn't last, fill in your own blank to what this 'it' can be, I understand why people still go for it. It's worth the while. It's worth the try. You may have a million reasons of why you shouldn't but if there is one reason of why you should go for it... then more power to you. Do it! I'm just not at a point where I am willing. I see the end result and consequently will not let myself become illogical with the temporary happiness. I feel like I have done my fair share of dating; I know what I want, I know what I'm looking for... and I guess I'm a little bitter from getting burned. But ultimately, I am not ready to get married... so why date? If marriage is the end result... besides getting burned again... why date if the idea of marriage makes me scoff? So perhaps I'll date in about ten years when I'm ready to tie the knot! Haha. Realizing however, that marriage doesn't necessarily mean forever... but I would want it to be. I would never marry just for marriage sake. I'm going to love the bejesus out of the man. It will be fantastic. Love isn't ever something to just settle for and I guess I'm more than willing to wait for the right man to come around. I just hope I'm not fed up with all the wrong ones that I'm too bitter to take the chance. 

Lastly, I realize more than ever how I really need to do me. I have been doing 'me' these last few months but now, I'm ready to spoil myself in a new manner. Discipline. Being out with friends, making new ones, drinking at the bars, staying up 'til the sun comes up... it's been a blast. But I'm ready to make some changes (see changes are exciting). I need to gear up for the school year, I want to be a morning person before going to work or school, so I need to go to bed. I want to get into a routine, I want to drink less, save more money, be more loving to my body and what I put in it... I want to read more, learn more, plan ahead, workout on days I work, have time by myself... these things are about to happen and it will be rough at first because it will be changing my current habits and it will take a lot of self-discipline... but by disciplining myself I am spoiling myself. Focus on the end result. :)

Before I go to bed, I want to clarify something... a new way of thinking of things.. applicable to all areas of life. Don't bark, if you're not going to bite. Your bark doesn't mean anything if you don't bite. In a more, romantic fashion... here is a My Fair Lady version: 

Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love, 
Show me! Tell me no dreams 
Filled with desire. If you're on fire, 
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night! 
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight! 
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that 
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips 
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much, 
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time. 
Make me no undying vow. Show me now! 
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me! 

Take the romance out of it and this saying is still incredibly useful. Actions speak louder than words. Haha, you can't cover up your actions with bullshit words.