I really like baseball, so take me home baby!

Within seconds we analyze strangers. Sometimes it's not meant to be rude but it is organizing information into a stereotype, noting qualities, or relating them to someone you know, even though they could be entirely different in the end result-- but we do this just to keep the world we know stable. Familiar. We categorize. I admit, I do it knowingly and sometimes willingly but I thoroughly enjoy when an individual surprises me and breaks the mold. It is also within these few seconds we analyze our own personal compatibility. Some people use numbers, I believe either Fresh Prince (or the sons of the Huxtables) used the term 'cheeseburger', and others may not actually have a measurement for this analyzation. I've found that my measurement is literally nonsense words such as: eh, ooo, meh, ew, meep, etc. Assume which nonsense words are good, which ones are bad and you are probably right--and the ranking is quite ambiguous, yeah? I'd like to think the ambiguity comes from me not being entirely serious with this analyzation... I don't spend any more energy than these handful of seconds on any one stranger. When I catch myself doing this, I stop and I've only just acknowledged this.

But people do it nonstop. We judge and analyze strangers for many reasons and one of the most interesting ones is compatibility. Of first glance we check their potential for compatibility with ourselves and make cuts, or ranks, accordingly. Reiterating that I do this too, it seems so silly that this is the first way we go about cutting since there is so much more to a person, and a relationship, than first impressions.

REGARDLESS, I want to stop. I want to turn my mind off to this analyzing process because not only am I exhausted, I am not ready to see an individual in any illuminated light. I'm trying to get my mind and heart to focus on myself, for the first time in years, and I'm kind of losing that battle. However, I refuse to accept defeat.

Alas, here I have created the perfect man by compiling all these attributes I find redeeming. I don't know if this is the same with most men and women, but when I see something I like, I take notes. When I see something or experience something I don't like I tag that feeling and take notes. If love isn't about who you can tolerate the least then shouldn't you know what you are most compatible with and desire the most before you meet the person or see them in an infatuated light? As a result, most of the examples I will use are celebrities from movies which makes this exercise even more unrealistic and ridiculous! because someone wrote the scene. It never really happened. Obnoxious, I know but this way I can focus on this ideal man that I realize doesn't exist, (unlike Katherine Heigl in the Ugly Truth that believes he does exist) and therefore, forcing me to focus on myself. This compilation is to get me to the next stage-- I don't plan on being your crazy cat lady who smells like soup. Even though that result does scare the shit out of me, I know I have plenty of days and years before me of dating. 

Frank Sinatra- Yes, we must start with a God. His voice. His class. His charm. If he was still alive I'd probably be a stage five. Sometimes I swear I was born in the wrong time period. 

Mark Darcy- There is something sexy about a guy who is willing to throw a punch for a woman you are fond of and not even necessarily with. In the Bridget Jones Diary, Darcy happens to stick up for Bridget on a handful of occasions when she gets burned by other jerks. 

Eric- From Julie&Julie, this guy is not only heart-warming, I find him attractive with how supportive he is of Julie and her cooking blog. Julie is going crazy, crying on the floor with spilt food, spending money on so much food, and here is Eric, supporting her cooking blog and encouraging her to finish it even though it puts there relationship at risk. His support is based on his genuine interest in her new hobby and his strong want to see Julie happy. 

Christain- Not only does he too have a fantastic voice, his passion towards the woman he loves is unbearable. Holy crap. 

Gerald Butler- Obviously, from P.S. I Love You- sweetheart from the start and clenched my heart strings the rest of the time. A man who loves his woman and goes the extra mile ensure she is happy and learns to live without him. 

Hulk- Ok, so there kinda is something sexy about a little rage now and then... but this actor gets me every times. He's sexy and kind of reminds me of a huge teddy bear.

Brad- Besides his good looks, he is truly a talented actor, something I have learned to respect this last semester. I don't think I have seen him play the same character twice. 

. 

Tim McGraw- In the Blindside, not only is Tim smoking he also is attractive for not letting his wife walk all over him and at the same time he supports her. She is pretty determined, strong-willed and stubborn... and instead of hating those qualities that can be annoying in a woman, he accepts them but still stands up for what he thinks. 

George- Like Brad, besides his acting and his attractive features, I don't have any specific character from a movie to cling too. But George must be mentioned because in some ways-- he reminds me of my dad. And I wouldn't mind finding a guy like my dad. 

Jake- I really liked his character in this movie. Great personality and sense of humor, and ultimately, he's a player who accidently falls in love. He meets a girl that matches his smartass, challenges his big moves, and he doesn't know what to do. 

Maverick (James Garner)- Classy ladies man. Clever to solve the murder, smooth to get the lady, and skilled enough to kick ass at poker. He's a bamf. 

Dean Winchester- I am obviously incredibly biased on this one because I am a big fan of his Supernatural show... but what I find redeeming about Dean is his hard shell exterior and his softness underneath. He acts like he gives no fucks but every now and then he's definitely be real, be vulnerable, and say what he's really feeling. His swag is also sexy. Mmmmm !

Jude- I always have this secret desire to be sang about. Not necessarily to nor a guy sing himself... but have a song. In Across the Universe, the song "something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover, something in the way she woos me, don't want to leave her now.. somewhere in her smile she knows that I don't need no other lover..." Yah, enough said really. It's the idea that a song can trigger a thought. I like that. 

Robert Downey Jr.- He's a badass. And that's attractive. 

Ryan Gosling- First of all, it's Ryan Gosling. Second of all, I am not going to comment on The Notebook (ironic right?) because I actually cannot stand that movie. As hopeless as a romantic I have previously been, I've never been into much of the hardcore chick flicks. But in Crazy Stupid Love- Ryan is a boss, has his crap together, knows his moves, is honest about them, and at the same time isn't too good to fall in love if it happens. 

There you have it. Just to regurgitate, this is in hopes of turning off my mind and giving me a distraction. I look forward to the day when someone breaks this mold I just created. 

Haha.

Quick Fix

I blame our American culture for creating this illusion of a quick fix. There isn't one. The quick is cheap, fattening, or plain false. Find your reassurance in that if you can. If it's quick, its temporary... or you are just switching addictions.

Apply this to anything. Cooking meals, losing weight, breakups, deaths, disappoints in life, disgruntles with those who were close and now aren't, money; You either work hard for it, spend good time on it, put all your effort into it, or the results in the end bite your ass or just aren't satisfying.

Not only is the quick fix unrealistic for long term, it's usually not a fix. It is a distraction, a temporary lead in a different direction, a moment when your life graph (in economics terms) begins to expand ... but you fail to reach a peak. A quick fix can be dressed up in the best attire, last as long as it may, but in the end... it is still not worth it.

So why bother?

I'm on this subject for multiple reasons. Time never seems to cooperate. When we are enjoying ourselves it speeds up and when we are in pain waiting for a class to pass, time takes its sweet ass time ticking away. Time, even though aids us in the long run, pressures us to believing we need something quick. To take the pain away, get rid of the hunger, pay the bills, motivate one to work out more. Though a bastard time may be... to fully fix and be fixed, we're forced to trust time. With time, and effort, dedication, and belief- we rise above this illusion.

One won't change with a quick fix.

Patience. What a virtue. One I wish I had.

One light shines in the dark...

Ah, the dreaded empty house. It's interesting how we all deal with loneliness, some are just better at hiding it or perhaps they just welcome Loneliness in, ask him to sit down, and offer him a beer for the night. I sincerely believe everyone dances with Loneliness in some form or another, whether they acknowledge it.

This empty house that I have been looking forward to having all by myself has quickly become a curse. Although it is only my third night, I just get up, go to work, and come home. I dread coming home already. Though this is not a recent development, it just sucks coming home to not one single light on in the house including the outside porch light. Even last night when friends were over and checking out the place, I said I'm here by myself for the next couple of weeks... one caught me off guard and asked, "Is it lonely to be here by yourself?" Him being three years above me in high school and not having much of a relationship to ignite a personal conversation... I hesitated and admitted that it was only my second official night... and shrugged with a "yeah, pretty much." Friends slept over that night.  

But still lonely. As I literally sit here typing this I realize I am much calmer being lonely on my own then surrounding myself with a crowd of people. This house may be empty, and I may dread coming home, but when I finally get here, settle in, decide what I'm doing for the night and comfy up... I am okay. And well, okay is just fine for now. 

I've dealt with enough emotions thus far to understand that no matter what some things will hurt, some things will suck, but there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to sit in it. Feel whatever you must and by embracing it, everything can possibly be simpler. Not easier, sorry bout it... just simpler. Same concept of Loneliness knocking at your door. Might as well let him in and sit with him because eventually he may break through a window and scare the shit out of you. Not only do you still lose in that situation, you also get to repair a window. 

Maybe some don't mind being lonely. I know I used to fear it. In the past, I have always been very independent about... well everything. I never utilized the girl buddy system to go to the bathroom nor did I need approval for clothing choices or boyfriends. I followed my gut. And I also spent a lot of time with just myself. Which is fine; it is not my fault I am hardwired that way... perhaps I can learn to be okay being lonely. This next year I am living by myself, also with my cat Louie, and this phase is really a test run for me. Will Loneliness drive me bonkers? Kick me out of my own place and into my parents? Will I be happy? 

As of now, I'm ready to redeem my living space as my sanctuary and truly believe I will love living alone. I hope I am not wrong in the end. 

Loneliness is literally everywhere. He's not always in the dark alleys or bumming on the streets late at night. Sometimes he's in the supermarket looking at the milk and thinking about how he can't possibly consumer a whole gallon by himself before the expiration date... and instead he buys the more expensive smaller milk. What prompted this is how I've noticed Loneliness is beginning to team up with my gremlin and alter my thoughts. I know I am deep down a horrible unforgivable cynic (thanks dad) but because of humanity and my drive to see the good in everyone and everything... I am only cynical when I feel beat, bruised, abused, and/or flat out exhausted. 

Hrm, let's say all the above? So instead of wresting with Loneliness, I think I'll just sit with him, offer him what's left of my champagne and do as I normally do. I'll try not to let him engulf my thoughts or dramatically change my life in any way, just let him be. For in the end, even in times of darkness that suck and times I can't wait to pass, I'm still supposed to be, living aren't I?

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

ch-ch-ch-changing!

It's funny how one small thing can change your life entirely. 

What prompted this realization is because the American Red Cross called me yesterday asking if I wanted to come donate blood in the Pocatello area. Of course now being in Moscow, I had to decline, because teleporting hasn't been discovered yet, and as a result I began to reflect on things such as this that have changed my life. 

For starters, I hate needles. And blood. And anything that involves the too. I can't touch my own wrists without getting the heeevy jeevys because I can feel ridges of stuff... I'm pretty sure if I wasn't already scared of scary movies, I couldn't like them because of the gore. Stabbing, slicing, arteries, blood, are all words that make my skin crawl. One time I accidently stabbed my finger cleaning out the blender and thank heavens one of my roommates was there because I almost passed out watching the blood spill from my finger. Yep, I'm a big pansy. I actually didn't think I was a big baby until I was in the hospital and the nurse drew blood from my arm, told me I was a trooper, and then shook the vile in front of my face... and I passed out. I don't know what in the world that nurse was thinking... but she probably scarred me, haha. 

As you could predict, giving blood was not ever a possibility for me. NEVER EVER would I willing let a nurse draw blood. 

Then, I became President of National Honor Society. This was my first big leadership role (after being VP of NHS) and one of the responsibilities I had was to run the American Red Cross blood drive that came to our high school. In a nutshell, I dominated that blood drive (because I'm super extensive and thorough! And had lots of awesome friends in NHS with me) and my advisors said it was the best blood drive thus far at our school. But ultimately, I felt guilty. 

How could I be so invested in a project and not participate myself? I felt like a faker and I knew I'd feel guilty if we didn't make our goal units too. Finally, at the end of the day two close friends finally peer pressured me to do it... and doing so changed me. I remember on the verge of tears, SO frightened as both Nick and Sarah stood by my chair coaching me through it. I remember to cheer me up they joked about they were going to go get our English teacher (who I had a ridiculous crush on at the time) to come talk to me and then when by chance the teacher showed up just to say hi, I actually started crying... oh, dear. It was happy tears if I remember correctly. For the record, I had a huge crush on him because he looked like Dean Winchester except more artsy and less give-them-hell attitude. 

Anyway, since then I sign up for blood drives whenever I can. One time I was visiting friends and my boyfriend in Idaho Falls and the neighborhood Lutheran church was holding a blood drive... and I just showed up. I haven't done too many but I keep an eye out and do it when I can. Did I mention I still hate needles and blood? I always prepare the nurse and say that I am really sensitive and I CANNOT watch them poke me etc... but it's definitely something I can do now. And thank goodness I got better about the needle thing then so when I had meningitis a month or so later, I was less panicky. 

This realization is all going back to how everything is all in your head. You can change who you are by either taking huge risks or by changing the small stuffy gradually with strong discipline. 

The lady who called me was able to check out the Moscow blood drives so I'm giving blood this Wednesday at the 1912 Center. I'm very nervous, that never gets easier, but just knowing I can do it and that someone somewhere will benefit from it makes the stressful process so very worth it.