One light shines in the dark...

Ah, the dreaded empty house. It's interesting how we all deal with loneliness, some are just better at hiding it or perhaps they just welcome Loneliness in, ask him to sit down, and offer him a beer for the night. I sincerely believe everyone dances with Loneliness in some form or another, whether they acknowledge it.

This empty house that I have been looking forward to having all by myself has quickly become a curse. Although it is only my third night, I just get up, go to work, and come home. I dread coming home already. Though this is not a recent development, it just sucks coming home to not one single light on in the house including the outside porch light. Even last night when friends were over and checking out the place, I said I'm here by myself for the next couple of weeks... one caught me off guard and asked, "Is it lonely to be here by yourself?" Him being three years above me in high school and not having much of a relationship to ignite a personal conversation... I hesitated and admitted that it was only my second official night... and shrugged with a "yeah, pretty much." Friends slept over that night.  

But still lonely. As I literally sit here typing this I realize I am much calmer being lonely on my own then surrounding myself with a crowd of people. This house may be empty, and I may dread coming home, but when I finally get here, settle in, decide what I'm doing for the night and comfy up... I am okay. And well, okay is just fine for now. 

I've dealt with enough emotions thus far to understand that no matter what some things will hurt, some things will suck, but there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to sit in it. Feel whatever you must and by embracing it, everything can possibly be simpler. Not easier, sorry bout it... just simpler. Same concept of Loneliness knocking at your door. Might as well let him in and sit with him because eventually he may break through a window and scare the shit out of you. Not only do you still lose in that situation, you also get to repair a window. 

Maybe some don't mind being lonely. I know I used to fear it. In the past, I have always been very independent about... well everything. I never utilized the girl buddy system to go to the bathroom nor did I need approval for clothing choices or boyfriends. I followed my gut. And I also spent a lot of time with just myself. Which is fine; it is not my fault I am hardwired that way... perhaps I can learn to be okay being lonely. This next year I am living by myself, also with my cat Louie, and this phase is really a test run for me. Will Loneliness drive me bonkers? Kick me out of my own place and into my parents? Will I be happy? 

As of now, I'm ready to redeem my living space as my sanctuary and truly believe I will love living alone. I hope I am not wrong in the end. 

Loneliness is literally everywhere. He's not always in the dark alleys or bumming on the streets late at night. Sometimes he's in the supermarket looking at the milk and thinking about how he can't possibly consumer a whole gallon by himself before the expiration date... and instead he buys the more expensive smaller milk. What prompted this is how I've noticed Loneliness is beginning to team up with my gremlin and alter my thoughts. I know I am deep down a horrible unforgivable cynic (thanks dad) but because of humanity and my drive to see the good in everyone and everything... I am only cynical when I feel beat, bruised, abused, and/or flat out exhausted. 

Hrm, let's say all the above? So instead of wresting with Loneliness, I think I'll just sit with him, offer him what's left of my champagne and do as I normally do. I'll try not to let him engulf my thoughts or dramatically change my life in any way, just let him be. For in the end, even in times of darkness that suck and times I can't wait to pass, I'm still supposed to be, living aren't I?

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love