what rushes into my heart and skull, I can't control.

Change appears to always be a difficult aspect of life even if it is for the better. I am one who is generally quite resistant to change for I love the familiar and find comfort in the life I know. Most people can relate. I am fond of gradual change; slowly changing so I don't feel the direct impact. It errks me how I cannot just accept change at face value and move forward. I feel like I am down to earth enough to not cling on to what was and let things happen as they need to. But why am I still unsettled and sensitive when I sense, or know, a change is about to take place?

After some self examination, I've narrowed it down. It's the transition of change. I only have major friction as I transition into a new phase. So instead of hating on the letting go/moving on/here comes change/I'm going to be an emotional blob, I can instead look forward to what's coming and roll with it better. I'm not sure if all of that makes sense but I don't like being an unstable sensitive let my thoughts eat me alive freak... and that's what these transitions have done to me thus far. I question why they are happening, what is their purpose, did I do anything to initiate it, was it avoidable? And now, having acknowledged my personal friction with just the transition and not the change itself, I can say F-it and quickly quiet my thoughts. Why worry when everything happens for a reason? Why think when it's all in your head and not necessarily so in reality? Do the Mormon thing and just 'Turn it Off'. (Reference to the musical, not the religion itself). Now I know how to cope. My thoughts will probably still eat at me... but I at least will have more stability and sanity. 

Change can be scary. But also liberating. Having the power to change something you don't like... trusting that things will change for the better, knowing change will take place and make life interesting again. It's peaks and troughs, folks. Change is constant. The only issue I have with change is promises. Hence the relationship dilemma. Don't make promises you can't keep and don't believe full-heartedly-no-feet-underneath-you in someone's promise. Time has a way of changing things and no one can be held accountable for how they used to feel or what they promised previously. Change happens... people change. And that is okay.  Nothing is guaranteed in the future. So enjoy it while is lasts. Live day to day.

Even if it doesn't last, fill in your own blank to what this 'it' can be, I understand why people still go for it. It's worth the while. It's worth the try. You may have a million reasons of why you shouldn't but if there is one reason of why you should go for it... then more power to you. Do it! I'm just not at a point where I am willing. I see the end result and consequently will not let myself become illogical with the temporary happiness. I feel like I have done my fair share of dating; I know what I want, I know what I'm looking for... and I guess I'm a little bitter from getting burned. But ultimately, I am not ready to get married... so why date? If marriage is the end result... besides getting burned again... why date if the idea of marriage makes me scoff? So perhaps I'll date in about ten years when I'm ready to tie the knot! Haha. Realizing however, that marriage doesn't necessarily mean forever... but I would want it to be. I would never marry just for marriage sake. I'm going to love the bejesus out of the man. It will be fantastic. Love isn't ever something to just settle for and I guess I'm more than willing to wait for the right man to come around. I just hope I'm not fed up with all the wrong ones that I'm too bitter to take the chance. 

Lastly, I realize more than ever how I really need to do me. I have been doing 'me' these last few months but now, I'm ready to spoil myself in a new manner. Discipline. Being out with friends, making new ones, drinking at the bars, staying up 'til the sun comes up... it's been a blast. But I'm ready to make some changes (see changes are exciting). I need to gear up for the school year, I want to be a morning person before going to work or school, so I need to go to bed. I want to get into a routine, I want to drink less, save more money, be more loving to my body and what I put in it... I want to read more, learn more, plan ahead, workout on days I work, have time by myself... these things are about to happen and it will be rough at first because it will be changing my current habits and it will take a lot of self-discipline... but by disciplining myself I am spoiling myself. Focus on the end result. :)

Before I go to bed, I want to clarify something... a new way of thinking of things.. applicable to all areas of life. Don't bark, if you're not going to bite. Your bark doesn't mean anything if you don't bite. In a more, romantic fashion... here is a My Fair Lady version: 

Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love, 
Show me! Tell me no dreams 
Filled with desire. If you're on fire, 
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night! 
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight! 
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that 
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips 
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much, 
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time. 
Make me no undying vow. Show me now! 
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me! 

Take the romance out of it and this saying is still incredibly useful. Actions speak louder than words. Haha, you can't cover up your actions with bullshit words. 

money can't buy back the love that you had then

welp.
here's to living and learning.
I'm at a completely new state ... one I never expected.
Essentially, I'm fed up.

Ha, ok. Let me explain.

I'm back to believing relationships have a purpose, a meaning, a healthy state of existence...

... but I still can't fathom them. Hooray for being single!

And here's a new emotion.

I envy them.

Assuming their relationship/love/commitment is the real deal and not some coated bullshit... I envy them. They found it, good for them. Now lock it down and don't lose it. Don't ever lose it. You are one of the lucky ones. It's seriously based off luck, chance, fate, one in a billion circumstances... if you got it, don't necessarily rub it in my face but here's to you. Congrats.

As for me... my only goal is to literally live day to day.. weeding past bullshit. I hate being a girl for the sole fact that I am, for one, VERY gullible, for two, APPROACHABLE, and three.. easily swooned.

Yep. I said it. I am easily swooned. And now that I have realized this fact and have accepted it... it shall no longer be so. I have retreated so far back into myself that I feel a shell covering me becoming my exterior. I keep my distance, play it safe... for the good of myself. Putting myself first. Because I realize I cannot prevent myself from getting attached or getting hurt... it will happen as life plays itself out. Life is all about attachments, routines, loss, hurting, addictions... peaks and troughs... these are all unavoidable things. And I have decided, it's okay to hurt... even when things seem stupid and miniscule. If it hurts, it hurts. It doesn't make me weak. Pitiful. A stupid cliche girl... emotions are there for a reason. And if you try to dismiss these emotions ultimately, you aren't being true to yourself. Above all, be rational. But it something hurts- let it. Acknowledge it. And sit with it.

I am used to acting on my emotions... like the happy emotions... like hanging out, pursuing a potential thing... I dive in head first limbs flailing and all. If I really want something, I speak up or chase it. If I'm against something, you'll know. So when I am hurt... I don't know how to act... until just recently, I told myself it was okay to get a surge of pain when a disheartening thought crossed my mind. Good god, it's okay to hurt? You bet. And being okay with it... actually makes it easier.

Now back to what I was saying about me being gullible etc... I go into every situation now thinking a guy is bullshitting me. Thus far... it's been 78 percent accurate. I've always heard that guys will literally say anything or do anything... just to get a foot in the door... but I guess up until this point in time I've been blessed with gentlemen in my life. Haha, no offense boys. But girls, don't fall for the serendipity move. Don't think you're special. Don't think you're different from the rest. In fact, don't really believe all that he says... and just don't think. Because if you're thinking... you're probably just morphing the situation into something better than it is, or something completely that it's not. In the words of Wicked, "wishing only wounds the heart..." Just don't.


So I'm out on the bench for awhile. I'm ready to consume some sexy country music because at least those men know how to treat a lady. I love the club music to dance too... but it is not my lifestyle. Be yourself, friends. Be real. Don't sugar coat, don't play with a girl... if you know she'll fall for an act, don't do it if you aren't going to follow through. It's certainly refreshing when no games are played and people are just upfront.

And now that I'm done with that feminist rage...

I really am sooo happy.
I am hellishly busy working two jobs and sometimes rehearsals at night... and it's keeping me out of trouble. This party fiend is forced to retire for the time being... which is perfect to gear up for school.

I love my jobs. I have so much pride in P.Murphs and Bclub... and working at the Theatre with the kids. I love the people I work with... and I also thoroughly enjoy cooking at Bclub. It's a tough job but I will sure as hell make one man happy one day with my breakfast cooking skills... it's a transferrable skill for sure. And  really, huckleberry zuccks for days... I can make that bread in my sleep.
I find I am continually bonding more and more with the younger generations. I told Gulsima yesterday (age 10) that she was my best friend and then she hooked arms with me the rest of the rehearsal as we shared my M and M's. And I gave Miley and Kennedy (the neighbor girls,maybe age 8) both 26 cents when they brought me a bouquet of flowers... flowers they picked from their yards haha. And as I gave the McGreevys a ride home from rehearsal last night they definitely attempted to give me dating advice and I still proceeded to tell Owen he's my future husband. Yes, he is nine and I will wait for that kid. :) Their innocence and spazazz for life is enlightening... and I truly appreciate it for where I am right now with my life.

Lastly, I am excited to live on my own.
Ridicously.
I went to my new apartment today... just to walk around it. To open the door... walk in... visualize where I'm going to put all my things... and then I went home to house sit my parents place where I consumed delicious red wine while cooking portabello mushrooms and cous cous.
In case anyone was still worried about me... I will be fine.

Alas, I am still fed up with the dating relm.
Which is fine by me.
I reiterate.
I want to be enough.. for someone to take me out on a date... but I'm so down to earth, that I don't want to.
Catch 22?
Perhaps.
Did I mention, I love being one of the bros?
I'd rather have a chill night out with the guys then get all dolled up and go out to the club... I def will get all dolled up with some of my girlfriends... but I def love the nights we stay in.

Oh and by the way.

Samuel and I aren't really dating. 

just a friend, helping a friend out.

and it's complicated.

:)

"a dollar extra, sir"

After experiencing my first rush as a busser and then pulling a double and going straight to another shift at Papa Murphys... It hit me: everyone should be required to work in the food industry at one point or another. I find this to be so because common sense isn't all so... How do I say it... common. It really frustrated me when I got to PMurphs and a customer insisted that I put some red pepper shake in a carry out container like 'you guys normally do.' See we sell red peppers in a shake bottle... And if you order red peppers on your pizza it costs about a quarter or so extra... So this customer literally demanded I give him something for free. It was a rough situation when I was confused and asked if he wanted to buy a bottle and he got so offended. I'm sorry sir but everything has a price! And if hadn't spoken to me in a condescending manner than perhaps the whole situation would have not been a deal. But its the same when a customer watches us make a pizza and at the end of the makeline sees the pineapple and asks, "Oooh, can you add some of those on there too?" Now, usually we do it and whatever but really, the response should be, "Sure can, but that'd be an extra dollar." We would have hissy fits for days while the customer would have to go back to the end of the line, wait just to pay another dollar. Its called food costs people. The more customer exceptions, which is the better our customer service is, the higher our food costs will rise and we as employees will have our manager breathing down our necks weighing each pizza to check portions. (P.S. That has been threatened before and if that were to happen our speed of service would slow down immensely. Sooo think about that).

 Attitude. It always sucks when I greet you with a smile and you either take your bad day out on me or don't think I matter enough to respond with a "I'm good, how are you?" Besides customers saying they need a pizza when really they just want one, my latest pet peeve is when I ask a customer how they are and they just say good or fine thanks. I can vent about this because my dad does this to people ALL the time.... he's not a social one. But really. Let's all be humane and care about each other folks- its what we are hardwired to do. I'll be pleasant to you if you be pleasant to me. Isn't that called the Golden Rule or something?

And now bussing. I am now so aware of how to behave in a restaurant. Spills happen for sure but please don't just watch your child throw their cherrios on the floor. You may think you live here-- but you don't. You may let this happen at home, but this is a public place... let's act like we are in public! Haha. I know there are a lot of stereotypes for people who work in the food industry but really- screw that. These people are working their butts off to make sure you have a good experience, or a pizza to die for, so the least you can do is respect them and not treat them like scum or incompetent idiots. Find your goodwill people and check yourself at the door. 

 I love the food industry. It makes sense to me and I take pride in both places I work... there is something satisfactory when you come out of a huge rush on top and say, "did that really just happen?" both places I work are popular eats in their different genres and so rushes and regulars are a constant. And they are both team orientated! Never abandon someone on the makeline. Karma sucks and quite frankly if you help your buddy out they will help you later. Be considerate. Many have not and will not work in the food industry... But hopefully they can find the compassion to be appreciative for all we food handlers do for you.

check point.

Over the past couple of weeks I have gotten a lot of responses from people reading this. Caught me quite off guard and I found it kind of funny because for the longest time I was sure no one read this... But I run into people or they facebook message me... I'm glad someone else is getting something out of my writing. Pretty awesome.

 I'm at a really weird place recently and I've been going through so much. Tons to mull over, a lot to consider, and so many emotions from all different directions. I have a lot to write about but with working three jobs theres not a lot of time to sit down and crank it all out. However, I do want to record what I find currently makes me happy. Random things throughout the day will grab my attention and I've attempted to remember all of them. And this isn't just a one dimension emotion; this happiness literally fills my heart with warmness and makes me want to jump up and go hug someone or a tree or something. Corny? You bet! But you get the picture, right?

-Papa Murphy co- workers. I can get sick of pizzas but the friends I work with make my day every day. One just discovered how I hate compliments and then preceded to hit on me the rest of the day. The gang also likes to give me new names that they think are hilarious like The Merminator. And many more.

-The cats greeting me when I get home.. And them sleeping in with me until noon. Stupid I know but its tender.

-The boys having my back. These last couple of weeks have been a process and any time crap hits the fan they calm my worries and still hit me up the next day to do it all over again. Ha. They're also teaching me how to be single haha. They really are. I'm constantly taking notes. What I would do without them I have no clue.

-When I reached for chips and realized they were salt and vins, got excited, and then got super sentimental because I remembered that Chantie bought them for our bbq... And she hates those kind of chips. But she bought them for me because she knew I liked them. Yep, kind of a best friend.

-Driving and rocking out to the same song on repeat... All day. Also, a bonus with Chantel there.

-How my guy friends suggest that I give out their numbers instead of my own or will anti-wingman me at any given moment. Seriously, feeling the love.

-When the cops came to my house for a noise complaint... a few friends stayed outside on the porch with me while I talked to them. Me being good little old me, I was scared out of my mind! so knowing they had my back meant so much. 

 -My mom bringing me flowers when my kids had their performance.

 -My students. Watching them perform a scene that I blocked and sing a song I taught them. It's the best.

-Thinking my dad was finally fed up with me going out with friends every night... Feeling guilty... And then the next morning he wakes me up for work with my favorite drink from Starbucks. Who needs a man when you got a dad like mine?

 -Dancing. I just discovered Stubblefields and I'm pretty sure I'll be going there pretty regularly... No judging though because I don't need alcohol in my system to dance.

- A friend giving me his jacket when I'm cold. Or buying me a drink .

 -Somebody valuing my opinion.

-My neighbor girl surprising me with a flower the second I pull up to my parents house. She also showed me her cool bike skid marks she made that day. Shes maybe seven.

-Laying on the lawn watching a movie on the big screen.

-Working out. Never thought I'd ever say that one but now if I miss a day I feel out of sorts. By working out to music, I def escape to a world of my own for an hour or so.. And that puts me at such a better place.

-Working at the Breakfast Club. Only my second day and I feel at ease with my coworkers. Stacy and I have def already had some awesome conversations while catching up on the dishes... even though he says I am a traitor since I haven't seen Diehard... and Top Gun. He also said he was surprised I am single... haha which was flattering. 

-Random late night phone calls. Phil gets the win on this one since we def called me from Vegas... I wonder if he'll remember talking to me tomorrow. 

-People giving me crap. It's a sure sign that they are comfortable with me... and as long as it is all in good humor I can def dish it back.

-My dad giving me advice on guys. He thinks like an economist but it is totally valid advice. 

-Interesting people. Why surround yourself with the boring ones? I like substance in my life. 

Alright. All for now.

Just so everyone knows... I'm okay. I know I had a lot of people worried there for awhile... my life has completely changed in the matter of weeks and I'm just rolling with it. It's definitely been rough... and the only thing I've noticed about myself is I think I have developed this hard exterior shell. It takes more to get to me and more to soften me. I can still get hurt but my recovery rate is quicker. I care less about things I used to. I can't fathom how I used to think before. My walls are definitely built all around me- not wanting someone to climb over them or break them down... just waiting for an opportune moment to let someone in. I'm not wearing my heart on my sleeve. For once.

my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore. 

separate the ones who know you from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.

I thought love was black and white. It's either wrong or it was right. I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. She will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood. 

I can be alone yeah, I can watch a sunset on my own.

you turned your back on tomorrow. because you forgot yesterday. I gave you my love to borrow. but you just gave it away. You can't expect me to be fine. I don't expect you to care. All of our brides burned down. I wasted my nights, you turned out the lights, now I'm paralyzed still stuck in that time when we called it love but even the sun sets in paradise. if happy ever afters did exist- I'd still be holding you like this. 

I can watch a sunset on my own

Unknown to some and prominent to most, all of us have our own addictions. Not all bad, some horrible and obnoxious,  we all have at least a few. After some good retrospect, great conversations, and meeting new people, the addiction I was always hesitant to admit I have.. I think I do. 

As pathetic as it sounds, I am addicted to relationships. Oops, forgot to introduce myself. My name is Meredith and I am addicted to relationships. 

Not so bad, eh? Yah, there are worse things to be addicted to but nonetheless its still a nasty habit I need to break. 

Like trying to break any bad habit, it takes repetition and discipline... and sometimes just switching addictions. I've recently come to believe that life actually is a series of addictions and we just change them up when we feel guilty about them. Or perhaps, just want change. Switching addictions to satisfy another... to terminate another. 

So here I am breaking my nasty habit of being in relationships... how do you go about it? It shouldn't be that hard right? Just don't get into a relationship. Simple enough. Don't talk to the opposite sex. Easy.

Here's the catch. It's an addiction because even though I find myself pessimistic, not having any faith in the idea of relationships marriage etc, I am hardwired to still want it. I sincerely believe I've been hooked on relationships from the very first semi-serious one I was in... in the 8th grade. I discovered those fantastic feelings one feels when someone believes they love and desire you... and I want that. Referring back to an older post... I don't need that, but I sure want it. To take care of someone, feel as if you have purpose in someone's life, the chase, the excitement of getting to know someone, doing something for them that makes them happy... relationships are awesome. It is the exact same sensation of when you have Nutella for the first time... or something else horridly fattening and delicious. You now know what Nutella tastes like and even though you have a strict diet... you want it. You think about it... you must say no to the potential addiction.

And as a result, I've determined my dilemma. People change. Promises mean nothing. Humans change their minds just as frequently as their underwear and therefore nothing is forever. Everything is done in the present for the moment and nothing is guaranteed the next day. As beautiful as that is for life itself it gives me great disbelief in relationships. Everyone saves the right to change... and change changes everything. Therefore, I currently find relationships to be a delusion. We aren't intentionally lying to each other, we do believe we want to be together... make it work... make it last... but in the end, everything is temporary... time and life changes everything. 

So I can't fathom relationships. I guess I'm sick of getting burned because I am definitely someone who gives more than I take ... so I am easily swooned into thinking this guy is different from the last. This result has been a long time coming because I know two and a half years ago before my last relationship I did preface it as so: "No pressure or anything, but if we don't make this work, I'm done with relationships.." I kid you not, that was almost verbatim. Pretty sure he would vouch for me. And the guy before him too... because he and I broke up right before Valentine's Day and he sent me yellow flowers that day with a note that pretty much tried to tell me not to lose faith in relationships. 

Well, it has happened anyway. 

And life shall go on.

Quite frankly the song that encompasses exactly how I feel is 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow' sung by Carole King and Amy Winehouse has a sick rendition too. Check it out. 

So I am doing well with breaking this addiction. I'm still single. It can just be rough because I ultimately do want a relationship... but everyday I am being rational and telling my stupid girl emotions, 'No, you can't have it... it's bad news... I swear, you think you want it but right now... it's not all its cracked up to be...' What is also really helping me at this point in time is the underlying fact that I refuse to identify myself with someone else. There's always that moment when you find yourself seeing quirks and finding them beautiful, excepting them... toying with the idea of seeing a person meet someone in your life like a good family friend etc.... yep, I can't go there. I refuse to go there. Because that is relationshipy. If it happens and people meet, cool! But I'm not having the stress and the nervousness of introductions and moments of, "what do you think of him?" I refuse to identify which leaves me safe in the friend zone. Easy.

I want to regain my faith in relationships one day. And I don't know when or what will help aid this along but I'm pretty sure good ol' Time will be my main friend. I don't think it has to be another guy. I don't expect someone to come waltzing into my life and change everything. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure. And let's just face it... that's totally Disney... not real life. I'm just trying to not be a Sour Sal with every other couple I run into. I want to believe what they have is genuine, that they are happy, and they have found it. Because I do believe a love worth fighting for exists! And some days I believe more than others... but I hope I'm covering my pessimism well. Don't want to rain on someone else's love parade. 

For the record, I am enjoying being single. It's different but I most certainly like it. Putting myself first. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends and the guys... going dancing. I have a lot of time on my hands for just me- which is something I'm not used too. I usually spend it outside in the sun on a run or with a good book. It's all been good fun. And I love my friends.