Unknown to some and prominent to most, all of us have our own addictions. Not all bad, some horrible and obnoxious, we all have at least a few. After some good retrospect, great conversations, and meeting new people, the addiction I was always hesitant to admit I have.. I think I do.
As pathetic as it sounds, I am addicted to relationships. Oops, forgot to introduce myself. My name is Meredith and I am addicted to relationships.
Not so bad, eh? Yah, there are worse things to be addicted to but nonetheless its still a nasty habit I need to break.
Like trying to break any bad habit, it takes repetition and discipline... and sometimes just switching addictions. I've recently come to believe that life actually is a series of addictions and we just change them up when we feel guilty about them. Or perhaps, just want change. Switching addictions to satisfy another... to terminate another.
So here I am breaking my nasty habit of being in relationships... how do you go about it? It shouldn't be that hard right? Just don't get into a relationship. Simple enough. Don't talk to the opposite sex. Easy.
Here's the catch. It's an addiction because even though I find myself pessimistic, not having any faith in the idea of relationships marriage etc, I am hardwired to still want it. I sincerely believe I've been hooked on relationships from the very first semi-serious one I was in... in the 8th grade. I discovered those fantastic feelings one feels when someone believes they love and desire you... and I want that. Referring back to an older post... I don't need that, but I sure want it. To take care of someone, feel as if you have purpose in someone's life, the chase, the excitement of getting to know someone, doing something for them that makes them happy... relationships are awesome. It is the exact same sensation of when you have Nutella for the first time... or something else horridly fattening and delicious. You now know what Nutella tastes like and even though you have a strict diet... you want it. You think about it... you must say no to the potential addiction.
And as a result, I've determined my dilemma. People change. Promises mean nothing. Humans change their minds just as frequently as their underwear and therefore nothing is forever. Everything is done in the present for the moment and nothing is guaranteed the next day. As beautiful as that is for life itself it gives me great disbelief in relationships. Everyone saves the right to change... and change changes everything. Therefore, I currently find relationships to be a delusion. We aren't intentionally lying to each other, we do believe we want to be together... make it work... make it last... but in the end, everything is temporary... time and life changes everything.
So I can't fathom relationships. I guess I'm sick of getting burned because I am definitely someone who gives more than I take ... so I am easily swooned into thinking this guy is different from the last. This result has been a long time coming because I know two and a half years ago before my last relationship I did preface it as so: "No pressure or anything, but if we don't make this work, I'm done with relationships.." I kid you not, that was almost verbatim. Pretty sure he would vouch for me. And the guy before him too... because he and I broke up right before Valentine's Day and he sent me yellow flowers that day with a note that pretty much tried to tell me not to lose faith in relationships.
Well, it has happened anyway.
And life shall go on.
Quite frankly the song that encompasses exactly how I feel is 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow' sung by Carole King and Amy Winehouse has a sick rendition too. Check it out.
So I am doing well with breaking this addiction. I'm still single. It can just be rough because I ultimately do want a relationship... but everyday I am being rational and telling my stupid girl emotions, 'No, you can't have it... it's bad news... I swear, you think you want it but right now... it's not all its cracked up to be...' What is also really helping me at this point in time is the underlying fact that I refuse to identify myself with someone else. There's always that moment when you find yourself seeing quirks and finding them beautiful, excepting them... toying with the idea of seeing a person meet someone in your life like a good family friend etc.... yep, I can't go there. I refuse to go there. Because that is relationshipy. If it happens and people meet, cool! But I'm not having the stress and the nervousness of introductions and moments of, "what do you think of him?" I refuse to identify which leaves me safe in the friend zone. Easy.
I want to regain my faith in relationships one day. And I don't know when or what will help aid this along but I'm pretty sure good ol' Time will be my main friend. I don't think it has to be another guy. I don't expect someone to come waltzing into my life and change everything. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure. And let's just face it... that's totally Disney... not real life. I'm just trying to not be a Sour Sal with every other couple I run into. I want to believe what they have is genuine, that they are happy, and they have found it. Because I do believe a love worth fighting for exists! And some days I believe more than others... but I hope I'm covering my pessimism well. Don't want to rain on someone else's love parade.
For the record, I am enjoying being single. It's different but I most certainly like it. Putting myself first. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends and the guys... going dancing. I have a lot of time on my hands for just me- which is something I'm not used too. I usually spend it outside in the sun on a run or with a good book. It's all been good fun. And I love my friends.
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