here's to living and learning.
I'm at a completely new state ... one I never expected.
Essentially, I'm fed up.
Ha, ok. Let me explain.
I'm back to believing relationships have a purpose, a meaning, a healthy state of existence...
... but I still can't fathom them. Hooray for being single!
And here's a new emotion.
I envy them.
Assuming their relationship/love/commitment is the real deal and not some coated bullshit... I envy them. They found it, good for them. Now lock it down and don't lose it. Don't ever lose it. You are one of the lucky ones. It's seriously based off luck, chance, fate, one in a billion circumstances... if you got it, don't necessarily rub it in my face but here's to you. Congrats.
As for me... my only goal is to literally live day to day.. weeding past bullshit. I hate being a girl for the sole fact that I am, for one, VERY gullible, for two, APPROACHABLE, and three.. easily swooned.
Yep. I said it. I am easily swooned. And now that I have realized this fact and have accepted it... it shall no longer be so. I have retreated so far back into myself that I feel a shell covering me becoming my exterior. I keep my distance, play it safe... for the good of myself. Putting myself first. Because I realize I cannot prevent myself from getting attached or getting hurt... it will happen as life plays itself out. Life is all about attachments, routines, loss, hurting, addictions... peaks and troughs... these are all unavoidable things. And I have decided, it's okay to hurt... even when things seem stupid and miniscule. If it hurts, it hurts. It doesn't make me weak. Pitiful. A stupid cliche girl... emotions are there for a reason. And if you try to dismiss these emotions ultimately, you aren't being true to yourself. Above all, be rational. But it something hurts- let it. Acknowledge it. And sit with it.
I am used to acting on my emotions... like the happy emotions... like hanging out, pursuing a potential thing... I dive in head first limbs flailing and all. If I really want something, I speak up or chase it. If I'm against something, you'll know. So when I am hurt... I don't know how to act... until just recently, I told myself it was okay to get a surge of pain when a disheartening thought crossed my mind. Good god, it's okay to hurt? You bet. And being okay with it... actually makes it easier.
Now back to what I was saying about me being gullible etc... I go into every situation now thinking a guy is bullshitting me. Thus far... it's been 78 percent accurate. I've always heard that guys will literally say anything or do anything... just to get a foot in the door... but I guess up until this point in time I've been blessed with gentlemen in my life. Haha, no offense boys. But girls, don't fall for the serendipity move. Don't think you're special. Don't think you're different from the rest. In fact, don't really believe all that he says... and just don't think. Because if you're thinking... you're probably just morphing the situation into something better than it is, or something completely that it's not. In the words of Wicked, "wishing only wounds the heart..." Just don't.
So I'm out on the bench for awhile. I'm ready to consume some sexy country music because at least those men know how to treat a lady. I love the club music to dance too... but it is not my lifestyle. Be yourself, friends. Be real. Don't sugar coat, don't play with a girl... if you know she'll fall for an act, don't do it if you aren't going to follow through. It's certainly refreshing when no games are played and people are just upfront.
And now that I'm done with that feminist rage...
I really am sooo happy.
I am hellishly busy working two jobs and sometimes rehearsals at night... and it's keeping me out of trouble. This party fiend is forced to retire for the time being... which is perfect to gear up for school.
I love my jobs. I have so much pride in P.Murphs and Bclub... and working at the Theatre with the kids. I love the people I work with... and I also thoroughly enjoy cooking at Bclub. It's a tough job but I will sure as hell make one man happy one day with my breakfast cooking skills... it's a transferrable skill for sure. And really, huckleberry zuccks for days... I can make that bread in my sleep.
I find I am continually bonding more and more with the younger generations. I told Gulsima yesterday (age 10) that she was my best friend and then she hooked arms with me the rest of the rehearsal as we shared my M and M's. And I gave Miley and Kennedy (the neighbor girls,maybe age 8) both 26 cents when they brought me a bouquet of flowers... flowers they picked from their yards haha. And as I gave the McGreevys a ride home from rehearsal last night they definitely attempted to give me dating advice and I still proceeded to tell Owen he's my future husband. Yes, he is nine and I will wait for that kid. :) Their innocence and spazazz for life is enlightening... and I truly appreciate it for where I am right now with my life.
Lastly, I am excited to live on my own.
Ridicously.
I went to my new apartment today... just to walk around it. To open the door... walk in... visualize where I'm going to put all my things... and then I went home to house sit my parents place where I consumed delicious red wine while cooking portabello mushrooms and cous cous.
In case anyone was still worried about me... I will be fine.
Alas, I am still fed up with the dating relm.
Which is fine by me.
I reiterate.
I want to be enough.. for someone to take me out on a date... but I'm so down to earth, that I don't want to.
Catch 22?
Perhaps.
Did I mention, I love being one of the bros?
I'd rather have a chill night out with the guys then get all dolled up and go out to the club... I def will get all dolled up with some of my girlfriends... but I def love the nights we stay in.
Oh and by the way.
Samuel and I aren't really dating.
just a friend, helping a friend out.
and it's complicated.
:)
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